One Piece: Inside the 4kids Universe!
by fatyao
Summary: The characters from the original Japanese version of One Piece is forced into a strange 4kids dominated world. Now that there are strange and totally inexplicable things going on, can the Straw Hats return to their own world? On Hiatus for the time being.
1. Prologue: Let's Begin!

One Piece: The 4kids Way!

I haven't seen any fics bashing the 4kids dub yet. Well, I'm not too sure since I'm too lazy to actually look through them all. This fiction bashes the 4kids dub! For all you people, who have never seen the subbed and un-raped version, start downloading the subbed anime, because there's a lot that your missing out on…

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters here, I just make fun of them. Both Oda and 4kids own their respective stuff. I just imagine it and type it.

Prologue – Let's Begin!

It was a normal day for the Strawhat pirates. Zoro was doing his normal insane workout that involved lifting the weight of 20 sumo wrestlers. Sanji was cooking and kicking the crap out of Luffy who was watching and drooling through the kitchen window. Usopp was inventing more crap that blew up every 3 minutes. Chopper spent his time alternating from being the toy of everyone and inventing medicines. Robin was reading a big book as usual. That left one more person…

Nami, the navigator, was screaming out her lungs as usual. "Guys! Could you pay more attention and stop playing! This is the Grand Line! We don't know what could happen!" Everyone ignored her…except for the cook, who stuck his head out the door and proclaimed "Let's play the game of love together, Nami-Swan!" The cook who could kick the crap out of anyone suddenly got punched in the face and was floored in one hit. Luffy took the advantage to sneak in and stuff lots of meat in his mouth ignoring what just happened. If there was food, he didn't care. "Yo Nami! Why are you so angry? Come eat some meat!" He also got pummeled. Apparently, nobody was to mess with Nami right now. She made Usopp swallow his own mixture, which made him burst in flames. Chopper ran away and "hid" behind a rather conveniently placed crate. Zoro got punched and dropped his weights on his foot. "GAHHHHH! What's your problem, woman?" Nami turned to him and said, "It's you guys! You guys are so lazy and" She blabbered on for a while. The crew looked at each other; they had seen her this pissed off only rarely, it was strange for her to be this pissed just about the crew being lazy as usual. That's when the usually silent historian started speaking. "Miss Navigator, If the weathers been this steady for so long, does that mean we are approaching an island?"

All thoughts of anger suddenly disappeared from Nami. There was no one on the ship who could beat Robin and everybody was always careful with her. Except for Sanji, who apparently didn't care if she was the former top assassin in Baroque Works or if she had a 79 million beli bounty on her since she was a kid. As long as she had huge breasts or a cute face, he would fall for her.

"Ehhh…" said Nami. She hadn't noticed, being too busy beating the crap out of one of the strongest pirate crews. "Since you're the Navigator, shouldn't you be watching this stuff?" said Zoro, who knew he would regret it. Seconds later, he had a huge bump on his head. "Island? Cool! Let's go get some meat!" said Luffy. The captain's brain was practically made of meat. "But we aren't near any island… and the log isn't showing any signs of changing route…" said Nami. "Oh Come on… Nothings going to happen" said Usopp. That's when they fell into a whirlpool.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed most of the crew. Sanji tried to hold Nami or Robin's hand and Luffy smiled with an idiotic grin and Zoro was still sleeping…

Chapter One – Welcome to 4kids One Piece!

Luffy woke up with a start. The last thing he remembered was falling down and hitting something hard. "Hey everybody? Huh? Where's everyone?" the captain looked around dumbfounded "Oh well, they'll find me. Now let's find some meat!" then the captain was off in a new universe…

To be Continued!

This is to introduce my idea… I will update in a few hours, this is just to introduce my story. Please review! I'm kind of a new writer here and I want to improve myself! This is my first One Piece fic, even though I am a HUGE fan of One Piece, Obviously not of the dub… Well anyway be back in a few hours!


	2. Chapter 1 Welcome to 4kids One Piece

I said I'll update in a few hours, and I don't go back on my words! So here I am updating this fiction. Last time on Dragonball Z…. I mean One Piece… Luffy and his crew get sucked into the horrible whirlpool of doom. Where is everyone? What happened and why are they there? Read and see. Also, please review! I'll take all your advice and criticisms! (gotta hate that…) I don't plan on any pairings. Just enjoy the parody. One Piece doesn't really match with pairings…

Disclaimer: Characters not mine. Do not belong to me. Ok let's start.

NOTE: It's been re-done so ch2 is longer, EXTRA SCENE ADDED!

Chapter 1 – Welcome to 4kids One Piece!

"Hmmm… No meat…" said the ever-hungry Luffy. He was stuck in what seemed to be a black empty room. Luffy walked around examining every small bit of the black room, hoping for either meat or a Sanji with meat.

"Guess theres no meat… Hey where is everybody?" the captain finally realized "SANJI! ZORO! NAMI! CHOPPER! USOPP! ROBIN!" After finishing his search of the same black room twice, something appeared it was an…old man.

"Hello Luffy. Welcome to this world. I am the guide who will help you escape."

"Ehhh…." Luffy already was lost in those words.

After explaining the meaning very clearly he continued.

"You and your crew fell into a whirlpool created by the evil money-loving 4kids company. They had bought your world and now created their own version of your world for cheap entertainment and a few bucks. Soon, the whirlpool sucked in the whole One Piece universe and turned it into some place for kids. Damn greedy bastards. However, the fans of One Piece gave us one weapon. 4kids tried to wipe everyone memories in order to restart the whole story. However, you and a select few can remember the real One Piece. Using this ability the world can be saved…by you…" the old man finished his huge monologue.

"Umm… Oh! I get it! It's a mystery world!" said the bewildered captain.

"No you idiot! 'Sigh'…. Ok this world is a game. You just have to go through all the stuff that you did before in your other world, then you can return back to your home world. Got it?"

The brain of the captain finally understood.

"Ok! Now these-" The man pulled out a hovering robot from nowhere. "-Are your enemies. They are bots created by 4kids in order to make sure everything goes their way. You must avoid these, as they will make you say stupid things that don't make any sense. Got it?"

"… Oh! So it's a mystery bot!" He got his head bashed in.

_Man why do I have this job?_ Thought the annoyed old man. He explained very very slowly to the brain dead pirate. After a while, the old man began to fade. "I'm your guide that will help you in some places. Now good luck!"

Luffy looked around. "Man after that old man's long talk, I want some meat! Oh well. I gotta go and search for my crew again before I can do anything..."

The black room suddenly disappeared, forcing Luffy into a dark room. "Eh? Where am I?"

----------------- --------------------------------------- --------------- - - - - -- - - -- - - - - - -- - -

A few days ago…

In a dark place filled with shadows, evil demons, and a few lollipops…

The room is filled with several Japanese guys and 2 American Guys that work for 4kids.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Haya…haya… Mr. Head of Toei Animation!" said a dark, suited man.

"Ah! Good to meet you too…Mr. John Smith… Oh by the way, you can call me Bob!" replied the Japanese man. He was the head of Toei Animation, the owners of the Japanese One Piece Animation.

"So do you accept our deal? We will purchase One Piece for about $10? Hows that sound?"

"$10? Hell no! you cheap American salesman!" He retorted.

"Oh… So I see… How about this then! $15 dollars or…" He pulls out a box. " your choice of the mystery box #1 or mystery box #2?"

"Number 1! Number 1!" yelled some idiotic Japanese employee.

"No is no Mr. John Smith! I will only sell for 100 million dollars!"

"Very well…" John Smith turns to his friend standing next to him. "Drug him."

"Yes Sir!" and the guy pulls out a syringe and stabs Bob in the arm.

"OW! THAT REALLY HURT! Ohh… I feel dizzy…. Very very dizzy… Ok! With that $10 dollars, I can tip the doorman!"

"So you accept our deal!"

"Yes!" and the Toei president signed the form and passed out.

"What'd you put in that syringe?"

"Oh… I borrowed some milk from Michael Jackson. Seems to work fine!"

"Excellent…"

Then Bob wakes up and screams "HOW DARE YOU INJECT ME WITH MILK! THE DEAL IS OFF!" and he pulls out a Japanese Katana from nowhere and cuts the form he just signed in half.

"Oh No! What do we do John!"

"Don't worry my dear Watson! I'll handle this!" and John whistles, and then a bunch of 4kids "security" (in reality, a bunch of gangsters that they picked up from the streets) pulled out their Uzi's and shoots up all the people in the room. Bob flies halfway across the room and gets impaled on a spike. His employees all shake like crazy and die. Bob's secretary screams "KONO-YARO! SHI NEH!" and pulls out a shotgun and blasts a bunch of the people. But then she gets blown to bits.

"Ok! Now that we just killed off the entire executive board of Toei, we need to fake the license!" John forges the signature "We must show this to the public! Men! Put on your masks! We need to look like the heads of Toei!" And the gangsters put on masks. Some of them wore Jason masks while some wore Star Wars masks. One guy was Chubacca.

"Ladies and Gentleman! We, Toei have agreed to sell One Piece to 4kids! Take a look at our signature!" the audience made up of Japanese people take a closer look.

"Hey! That signature looks like it's been written by a 4 year old kid!"

"It's even drawn by crayons!"

"Why is there a Pikachu next to the signature!"

"How dare you try to forge the signature! But it's soooo cute!"

"Yeah! It's too cute to be forged!"

"It must be real!"

"If it's real, then why does the head of Toei look like Jackie Chan?"

_Dammit! I knew I shouldn 't have brought my Jackie Chan mask! _Thought John. "Umm.. I just had plastic surgery… Anyway now that everyone has seen the contract, LETS GET OUT HERE! SCRAM!" and he and his men bolt from the room. And this is how 4kids licensed One Piece!

Next chapter – Going through everything… the 4kids way!

(A/N) Short chapter, lots of talk. Sorry but I have lots of things to do today. When I get back I'll update it. Also, if anyone watches both the subbed and dubbed anime, please send me a list of changes in the dub. That would really help, since I don't like to watch the dub often. It kills my soul. I only know lots of the major ones, that every hardcore fan knows, and a few minor ones, like stupid puns (I have watched a few episodes, but it hurts to watch!) If you can help me, I would really appreciate it. I might even let insert you in the story!

EDIT: I added the extra scene with the licensing because I thought ch2 was too boring. If anyone knows what the secretary was saying, then I'll give you a cookie!


	3. Chapter 2 The return of Zoro or Zolo!

One Piece: Inside the 4kids Universe!

I love the idea for this fic. I just can't stop writing for it. That's why I'm going to updating this like crazy for the next few days. Ok, last chapter was a rather clichéd and dorky one. Old man comes and explains everything. Well now this chapter will be nice and long and contains some 4kids bashing goodness. Enjoy!

As usual, the disclaimer: I don't own any people here. It's a figment of imagination. It's a bunch of letters on a screen with no significant meaning. It's purely for entertainment. That being said let's go! Btw, thanks for all those who reviewed. I will try to take your advice and your ideas.

All words likein _Italics_ can either be inner monologues or it can stress the word for example You thought you can beat him with a _stick?_

Also, if you're going to read this, it's recommended you watch the subbed version or the unraped One Piece, which is my favorite anime. Trust me, it's so much better than the dubbed One Piece. All the weird stuff here is what the dub messed up on. One Piece has one of the most fucked-up English dubs in the whole world! I have never seen one worse, which is why there are so many 4kid(those dudes who dubbed it) haters. And that's why I'm writing a fic about it.

Chapter 3 – The return of Zoro…Uhh Zolo….

Luffy was stuck in a barrel. "What the? Why am I inside a barrel? And what's going on?" That's when he hear the humming sound of a 4kids bot.

"Hey! It's one of those mystery bots the ossan told me about!"

The bot proceeded to hit Luffy with a laser beam and reported "Order confirmed: Began raping of voices. Remove all Japanese sounds from him. Make target Luffy sound like a girl with a soar throat."

"What the… Hey what happened to my voice? What language am I speaking in? Why do I sound like a girl with a soar throat?"

Meanwhile, in another Universe…

Chapter 3 – Part 1- Chaos at 4kids

"All things are going according to plan?"

"Yes Sir!"

It was a dark room filled with people sitting around a round table with suits. It was unreasonably dark, only lit by lots of cigarettes. There was a poster glued to the wall that said "Since we cannot make a good anime by ourselves, then let's mess up every anime in the world! RAPE ALL ANIME!"

Yes, this was without a doubt, the headquarters of 4kids…

The mysterious evil head of 4kids,Al Khan, was sat at the end of a round table, surrounded by the rest of the 4kids executive, making a Baroque Works-ish scene.

"Now that the licensing is finished, let us begin the raping…uhh I mean editing of One Piece!"

Another person wearing a suit enters the room. He's covered in tomatoes.

"Al Khan! There are lots of One Piece fans outside wondering about the changes your going to do to them."

"Very well… I shall tell them what I'm going to do!"

"Are you sure sir? They might attempt to kill you after they hear it."

"Don't worry… I have my secret weapon! They can never hate me after I use it! Rowley! Prepare the secret weapon!"

"Aye Aye sir!"

Outside, there's a huge bunch of otakus dressed up as reporters waiting for the head of 4kids to come.

Al Kahn enters the room and dodges a bunch of tomatoes thrown at him.

"Fellow anime-fans!" he begins his speech "You all of course heard about the licensing of the extremely popular show One Piece, which is one of the most popular and top-rated shows in Japan! Of course, anything about pirates will become popular. So this is our company's chance to poison the minds of little kids… Uhh… I meant entertain the minds of little kids of course…"

"Most of you are worried about editing. Don't worry; we shall stick to the original One Piece as much as possible, while still making it appropriate for American T.V. We want to keep the spirit of the show, so don't worry. We wish to respect the anime-otakus, and create an anime for all of us to watch!"

"However, this is what will be edited. We will remove all the funny dialogue, character development, the development between the crew that shows how close they are, and replace the dialogue with corny jokes, toilet bowl humor, and crappy dialogue. After that, we will remove half of the episodes, somehow combine two important episodes into one, remove entire arcs from the anime, even ones that were in the original manga, then after that we will give only about 5 seconds for each scene so we could rush through the anime really fast for no specific reason. Then we will take out all the emotional scenes and fill them up with jokes about turds and then remove any sad scenes or make them shorter."

"Then after completing an arc, we will immediately rush through and just simply start the next arc without even explaining what happens in between, this will effectively cut out all touching good-bye scenes because little kids these days cannot cope with this. They might get depressed, so we will not allow it. After all, little kids are stupid and cannot cope with anything, so we must always have happy endings."

After this comment, all the otakus start throwing swords and knives. Al Khan continued.

"Also, all flashbacks that define the character will be cut from one entire episode to merely 3 minutes. Any flashbacks that develop closeness will be deleted. We do not wish for any bad influences, so all the cigarettes, alcohol, cussing, guns and blood will be edited out. Pirates don't need to do any of this. We will change lots of names for no reason even though the originals made perfect sense while ours do not. All L's in a name will be replaced by R's and vice versa. Zoro becomes Zolo and Loguetown becomes Roguetown. The marines will become the Navy, even though they're the same thing. No reason, we just wanted to look cooler."

All the Zoro fans started shooting at Al Khan. Al Khan pulled out a bulletproof shield and he continued.

"No one will die in the anime. The death of important people will be turned to things that will be simple. Kids will be too scared about deaths, so we cannot allow this. Kids already get scared from movies that brutally gore thousands of people, but we cannot let one cartoon character die. Even though Disney has movies in which people die, we can't allow that."

At this point, a riot broke out but Al Khan ignored this and continued.

"All the orchestral music will be replaced by crap. The wonderfully done opening songs that really match with the whole Pirate theme will be replaced with rap and hip-hop. Pirates match with them, don't you think? We don't want little kids to smoke or drink, but we want them to grow up to be rappers!"

"Finally, we will piss all over the good Japanese voices and replace them with the most cheapest voice actors we can find to save money. For example, Luffy will be voiced by a homeless 16-year-old girl that has a sore throat. Sanji will be voiced by a thug we picked up from the streets. Then after messing up the voices, we will then remove all bits of Japanese culture because we are scared of them. This is what will be edited. It's very logical right? So as you can see the whole thing still keeps the spirit of One Piece."

After finishing his huge monologue, One Piece fans from all over are starting to beat the crap out of all the 4kids employees.

"Rowley! Use the weapon! Now!"

"Ok sir! Hey guys! Do you want a bunch of cardboard that's been written on, drawn on, and colored on! We also added some glitter glue to make it shinier! That's right kids! Its Pokemon cards! And now that it is decorated with more glitter glue and shiny stickers, it will now cost $220!"

Everyone ignores him and starts trashing the 4kids building.

"Dammit! Bring out the guns and start blowing the crap out of them."

Meanwhile in the One Piece world…Oh wait! It's been destroyed by 4kids… I meant in the 4kids world…

Chapter 3 – Part 2 – The return of Zoro/Zolo

Luffy had just beaten the crap out of the fat lady known as Alvida. Due to that long monologue up there, the author of this story refuses to rewrite the whole Alvida thing. So let's start off at the whole thing at the navy base. Luffy has just re-met Coby.

"Luffy, Now that this evil 4kids company has taken over, what should we do?"

"Don't worry! Just pretend it's like our own world. I'm going to go get my crew back and then defeat this 4kids!"

"Where are your crewmates by the way?"

"Oh! The man said they should be where I first found them… So let's just float around aimlessly until we get some meat!"

"…Ok…."

After a few hours of floating around, they arrived at that Marine Base where they first met Zoro.

"Hey! I haven't been here for a while. By the way Coby, in the original world, what happened to you so far?"

"Umm… first after Captain Morgan was…"

The whole town suddenly hushed and ran away. One guy stuck his head in a barrel. Another guy hid behind a pole that was 3 inches wide.

"Right…Let's go get Zoro and beat the crazy axe guy again!"

Meanwhile, at the execution grounds…

The marines were doing their daily mockery of Zoro.

"HaHaHa… So this is the legendary pirate hunter, Roronoa Zolo…"

"GODDAMNIT! MY NAME FOR THE 5000TH TIME IS ZORO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT'S ZORO!"

"Oh yeah? Then why does your wanted poster say Zolo?"

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW? IT'S MY NAME, I THINK I KNOW IT BETTER THAN THE FREAKIN WANTED POSTER YOU IDIOT!"

"Calm down Zolo…"

"NOT CALMING DOWN YOU BASTARDS! ITS ZORO! ZORO! ZORO!

The blonde onion head guy named Helmeppo came in and started talking to him.

"Okay 'Zoro' whatever you want. But if you can live out the next month, then I'll let you free."

_Dammit? Why am I back here again? Where are Luffy and the others? AND WHY THE HELL DO THEY CALL ME ZOLO?_ Thought the pissed off Zoro (A/N I'm a 'subby' not a 'dubby' So I'm calling him Zoro)

All the marines left somewhere. That's when the little girl came up and said to Zoro:

"Hey Zolo! Do you want some cookies?"

"It's not Zolo! And what the hell is a cookie?"

"It's a very popular snack…"

"Whatever happened to onigiri (Rice ball)?

"Well, after the whole whirlpool thing, no one eats onigiri for some reason even though all the cookies look like onigiri."

"Fine…Let me try some…"

He pops it in his mouth and starts choking.

"What the hell is this? Why do you need to add so much sugar?"

"Sorry Zolo… But 4kids wants to advertise cookies so kids can become fatter!"

"Whatever… Now where's Lu"-

"Hey Zoro!"

"Luffy, what took you so long? Hurry up and untie me!"

"Sorry Zoro, but I'm hungry. I'm going for some meat!"

"BAKA! (moron/stupid/idiot) Untie me first, then go get some food!"

"Coby, Untie him! I'm looking for some meat. Don't worry! I'll get your swords!"

"Get back here!"

Luffy runs off in search of food.

"I'm going to kill him… what the? What language am I speaking? And why is my voice different? And why does Luffy sound like a girl with a sore throat?"

"I'll explain later… Stay still so I can untie you. By the way, your voice isn't bad so don't complain about it…"

Meanwhile in the base…

"Sir! Someone's freeing the prisoner Roronoa Zolo!"

The former Marine captain now turned to Navy captain; Axe-Hand Morgan suddenly started to get angry.

"WHAT! Go and start shooting them! Get your water guns! That should be able to kill them!"

"Uhhh… Sir… Why do we have water guns?"

"Don't worry it's not full of normal water."

"Then is it full of acid?"

"Hell no! It's full of slightly salty water, so if it hits them in the face, it'll sting!"

"Wow! So strong!"

At another part in the Navy Base…

"Meat… There's no meat… Hey cool! Zoro's swords!"

He looks at the swords and then sees the sign that said "Zolo's Swords"

"Zolo's swords? Who is Zolo? Guess he also uses three swords…But why does his swords look exactly like Zoro's? Oh well, I'll find Zoro's swords soon enough."

The stupid captain again showed his signs of stupidness and started looking for meat and Zoro's swords.

Down at the execution grounds…

"Freeze! Don't untie him! Don't move! Or else I will squirt you!"

"Ahhhhhhh! I'm sorry! Don't squirt me!" Coby was frightened to the point of pissing his pants.

"Jeez, calm down Coby… It's only a super soaker…"

"But… But… it has water inside… So scary…."

"Hurry up and untie me or I'm going to kill you!"

"Ahhh! Okay!" Coby starts to untie Zoro…

"He's not afraid of our water guns! That sneaky bastard!"

"Ok, we'll give him something to be afraid of! FIRE!"

The sound of one hundred super soakers could be heard and the scream of Coby as a bunch of water, no, actually _slightly salty_ water came at him.

Luffy saw the scene through the window and screamed "COBY! NO!" He grabbed the swords belonging to "Zolo" thinking _Whoever this Zolo is, he won't mind if I borrow them right? _ He strapped the swords and jumped from the window, trying to save Coby from the attack of the vicious water guns.

He was too late. The water had already hit Coby and Zoro.

"Coby! Zoro! NOOOOOOOO!"

"Ahhh! My eyes! It's in my eyes! The salt burns! IT BURNS WITH THE BURNS OF A THOUSAND BURNS!" Coby started panicking.

"Damn! My clothes! They're wet! Why the hell are you trying to wet my clothes, you bastards! It takes forever to dry them, and I don't have any extra!" Zoro was getting pissed off as usual.

"Sir! Our guns are useless!"

"Keep firing! We can drown them to death!"

"Sir! My water tank is empty!"

"Get to the hose and reload, then put some salt in and start shooting!"

"Aye Aye sir!"

Luffy finally arrived and started his attack on the Navy with the water guns. However he had one problem…

When he started to say "Gomu Gomu no Whip" it came out as "GUM GUM WHIP"

He took out the entire marine force that replied with emotionless "Oh No!" and "ahhh" and also "My super soaker's water is in my hair! AHHHHHH!"

"Luffy! You saved us! The water was making it hard for me to breathe."

"Great, now hurry up and untie me."

"Ok!" and soon the ropes fell to the ground and Zoro took his swords.

"By the way, those swords belong to Zolo, be sure to return it to him when you're down"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! MY NAME IS ZORO! ZORO!"

"Calm down Zoro… I never met this Zolo, so you go and find him"

"Luffy…the captain! Axe hand Morgan is here!" Coby said before he freaked out.

"Who dares try to disobey me, a navy captain, will be executed! Starting with you Straw Hat!"

"I'll beat you in no time!"

And Luffy did. Doing a bunch of "Gum Gum" moves he first started with his trademark "Gomu Gomu no Pistol… now turned to "Gum Gum Blast" and pounded the Navy captain. He proceeded with a kick to the balls and then started punching the crap out of the Navy Captain. He fell to the ground and Luffy continued pounding his face over and over. But then "it" happened.

"Straw Hat! Don't move or else I'll press the trigger!"

It was Helmeppo, the Onion head guy. And he had a…

**Hammer gun thing**

Helmeppo was holding up Coby with a hammer-looking gun thing… With the press of the trigger, it will drop something that looks like a hammer onto Coby's head! How dangerous!

"Omg! Luffy! He's going to flatten my head!"

"That's right Strawhat! Don't move or else I'll hammer him flatter than the shape of the earth!"

Luffy looked emotionless before smiling. Coby looked on and somehow had to courage to stand up to the "hammer gun" that couldn't kill a cat.

"Luffy! Don't worry about me! I will die for my dreams so I can stand a bump on my head!"

"Roger that Coby! Now get ready for… GUM GUM BLAST!"

Right before he was about to "blast" Helmeppo, the Axe hand of Morgan came down and Morgan screamed

"Straw Hat! Prepare to die!"

The axe was about to crash on Luffy's head when… Zoro got a bit of action and slashed the marine captain with all three swords.

"Gahhhhh!"

Helmeppo screamed and pressed the trigger, bringing the hammer on Coby's head!

"Ow! Jeez, the top of my head! It hurts! But it hurts for my dreams!" and a bump came out.

"No way..." said Helmeppo

"Yo Helmeppo! Why the hell did you bring that out you idiot! You're facing Roronoa Zolo, the Pirate Hunter, and you use a hammer gun? Also, why did your father, the ruthless marine captain give us water guns to try and bring down these guys? What are we supposed to do? Wash them?" The marines started rebelling against the rule of the dumbest Navy captain of all time who gave his soldiers _water guns_.

Luffy looked on and that's when…

"MY NAME FOR THE LAST FREAKIN TIME! IS ZORO! NOT ZOLO, ZORO!"

Zoro freaked out and ran out them slashing them with his Santourryu (three swords style) and got revenge for his name-calling. He weaved through the folds of the marines and cut them with a turn of his neck and a flick of both wrists.

"Oh! So Zoro's name is Zolo!" Luffy said. The captain had finally realized. "Oh well! Time to finish up! GUM GUM BLAST!" and blew Helmeppo out of the world.

Luffy, Zoro, and Coby had won the battle against the Super Soakers!

Then that old man who talked to Luffy the last time, came out of nowhere at started saying "Wow! You sure beat those super soakers! Well anyway time to move on. You need to get the rest of your crew."

"What? No party? No meat?"

"No, 4kids doesn't allow you to have fun in between arcs. You just have to beat the crap out of a guy and then move on to the next guy without anything in between."

"Awww man… No meat?"

"Who are these 4kids…?" Zoro had not yet been told.

"Before that, Zoro, If you can cut through steel in our world, how come you can't even make a person bleed in this world?"

Zoro looked around and noticed that not a single person had a wound from his cut.

"WTF? I put enough strength to cut them in half!"

"Well, I guess you're weaker here…"

"Yeah, once your name turns to Zolo, you can't even cut a single person!"

"DAMN YOU ALL! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! IT'S ZORO!"

111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

"So these 4kids guys are the ones who gave me this name? I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE BASTARDS!"

Luffy and Zoro were now sailing in a tiny boat. Coby could not come due to the fact that the 4kids bots had arrived and started shooting at Coby with lasers whenever he got close. So now it was the Captain and the first mate. They were now discussing where the rest of their crew was. Before they could take on 4kids, they first needed to reunite with each other and then they could go take on 4kids.

"So Luffy, who are we supposed to get next?"

"Ehh… Sanji!"

"Sanji? Are you sure?"

"Nope, but I want some meat!" then came a thud as Zoro punched his head.

"I think we have to go pick up Nami again…and fight the clown pirate."

"Oh! Nami! Let's get her later and first get Sanji!"

"IDIOT! Stop thinking about your stomach for once!"

"… I'm not…"

He's never going to understand… The man told us to get all of our crewmembers in the order we found them…all this guy wants is his meat…The only way to convince him then is to…

"Luffy, if we first get Nami to come, then it will be easier to get Sanji to come… Since, you know, he loves anything that has tits."

"Right… Let's go get our navigator again!"

And the first two crewmembers of the Straw Hat pirates reunited and went off to retrieve their Navigator…

What will happen next? What is 4kids planning to do? To be continued

A/N Re-Loaded. I got rid of all the AN and cleaned up some minor junk. Nothing serious.

Longer chapter eh? Well since the first two were amazingly short, I had to make the third one longer. All the weird stuff here is what happens in Dubbed One Piece. Since I don't like watching the dub, if anyone watches the dub and sub both, please tell me the differences. Not the major stuff, but the minor stuff that was changed that you think is weird or something. If anyone can help me on the Buggy and Kuro Arc (I haven't seen a single episode on those yet) please help! As for all you 4kids lovers out there, I suggest you stop reading this. This fic focuses on the mistakes that 4kids made. Yeah, I know nothings going to change in the dub no matter how much I write, but its fun to write about! Anyway hoped you enjoyed this and please review!


	4. Chapter 3 The story behind the hat!

One Piece: The Horrendous Cap Gun of Doom!

NOTE: It's been reloaded. I got rid of the script format and all A/N. Sorry for all the confusion. Thanks to Sinmal for bringing this to my attention. I read the TOS, but I guess I overlooked the whole script style not being allowed thing. Nothing else in the story has been changed besides the format and all A/N.

It's finally updated! I got caught up with stuff but still somehow had the time to update within 5 days. Not really long but compared to my other updates… It's the longest one! Remember! **No insults except toilet insults allowed**. Ok now to the 4kids bashing part that is the core of the story…and the part that is required in all fics in order to not get sued…

Disclaimer: Characters not belong me. One Piece not belong to me (Lets go to the Grand Line and claim it!) They belong to some guy named Oda that draws. They also belong to 4kids unfortunately (Calling to original One Piece fans, Lets pool up money and buy it from 4kids!) Ok, let's begin!

Chapter 3: The story of Luffy! The 4kids Way!

At 4kids, before the fiasco before Al Khan's "conference" with the One Piece fans.

Al Khan and his group of anime destroyers are conferencing about their latest purchase, One Piece…

Al Khan: So… fellow anime destroyers…uhh I mean fellow executives, what changes should we make in order to air One Piece on American T.V?

" Sir! We can air it on many channels with very little changes!" said some guy with no name.

"NO! It must be a kid's show. Yes, the show seems more suitable for age 14 and though trying to make it for age 7 seems like a stupid idea and will screw up the anime, I want it from 7 year old kids only. No reason, I just felt like it." Al Kahn replied

" Umm… Sir… We can just remove some cursing and some blood and still make it on Toonami… I mean look at the other anime on there…"

"SILENCE! NO EMPLOYEE SHALL QUESTION MY NONSENSICAL IMPULSIVENESS!"

Al Khan presses a button on his table, and then the Guy's chair falls into a pit and the guy gets brutally torn apart by thousands of One Piece fans that Al Khan captured and pumped full of the virus from the movie 28 Days Later…

"Any questions?"

Everyone raises their hands and they all fall into the pit and get torn apart.

"Dammit! My entire executive staff just got killed… I need to stop playing with this button here… Oh well… Mrs. Halloween!"

Al Khan's secretary walked in. She had a freaky face that looked exactly like Freddy Kruger. She had long black hair like Japanese women. She also wore a bloody white shirt and a very clean skirt. She also had blood-dripping metal claws attached on her hands. In other words, think of a Lady Freddy with Japanese hair.

"Err… Did you just kill someone?"

" Nah… I was cutting tomatoes with my new hand-knives!"

She showed him her red dripping claws.

" Uhh… Whatever… Well anyway… I need you to find me a new executive staff. My old one was…"

Suddenly, a head of some guy flew out and landed on the floor

" Well you can see… Anyways, find me the cheapest people we can get…"

After a few hours later, a bunch of hobos wearing new suits sat around the table and tried to look professional despite the awful stink.

" Welcome! My new executives! Welcome to the 4kids Company! You are my new executives!"

" Duhhh… But I dropped out of elementary school…"

" Don't worry… I want all of your ideas! Ok… starting with changes to the music of One Piece. The Japanese song is wonderful and the most recognizable opening songs for anime yet. So that's why we must scrap it. We can't let kids be curious of Japanese culture. Now we have a nice translated song right here…"

He presses a button and then the English opening song plays, never shown in the anime, and it's pretty good.

" Yo yo yo! We can't play that shit! No homie on the street is going to watch it!" the gangster executive said

" What do you suggest?"

" Straight out Gangsta Rap!"

" Hmmm… Even though we want the show for little kids… Yeah! This way, we can influence kids to be rappers! Also, with the song, everyone's going to think that we are "hip" and "kool". Since most kids these days listen to rap, everyone's going to watch! Also, rappers will be attracted to this anime!"

" Hellz Yeah!" Everyone in the room cheers.

" Ok, now we must edit out all guns, alcohol, and cigarettes!"

" Easy! Turn guns into random things, alcohol into juice and cigarettes into candy!"

" Great! That's good stuff right there! So we have our anime planned out! However, this anime has no marketability. We need toys, dolls, and trading cards in order to make money! The only cute thing in this anime is Chopper… So let's rush through the anime really fast so we can sell Chopper dolls! Cut half of the episodes, merge the rest together, remove all fillers, and edit all scenes that develop characters." Al Khan told the room.

" YAY!"

" Is it me or are all of your decisions impulsive except for anything to do with money… ARGHHHH!" a guy with no hair commented

" SILENCE! (Takes his hand off the button) All right! Now I already hired our editor… and here he is!"

A monkey walks out. " Umm… A monkey? Can he even edit?"

" Sure he can! Don't worry, this is to save money. Also for voice actors…I grabbed all the first homeless guys I saw off the street." Al Khan says, while pointing to a motley bunch of people.

" Ok… We have too much guys here so we need to get rid of a few…"

" I got an idea!" said the gangster. He pulls out a gun and shoots randomly and empties the clip.

" Good Idea! Ok! All the survivors are officially hired! You there! Girl with the sore throat! You will play as Luffy! That guy will be Zoro! Meeting dismissed!" Al Khan says and then runs off to go masturbate.

In the 4kids One Piece world….

" NOOOOOO! My hat!" Luffy's hat had just flown off and Luffy then retrieves it.

"Hey Luffy! What's with that hat?" asked Zoro

" A good question Zolo!" Luffy said. "IM GOING TO KILL YOU" Zoro screams before Luffy finished with "Let me tell you over some meat!"

" Luffy… You already ate all the meat, poo poo head! GAH! Why did I just say poo poo?"

" WHAAAT? No meat? What do I do?"

" You can start by telling me about that hat…"

" Sure why not…"

- Start Flashback -

Luffy is in the bar with Shanks crew. And everyone is drinking something and laughing with emotionless voices.

" Boy! I love my juice!"

" This food tastes good with juice!"

" You know, I was on a date with a hot girl drinking juice like the juice that I'm drinking right now."

" I was out at the bar drinking some beer…"

" Croikeys mate! You forgot to add juice in your sentence mate! Read the sign mate!" said Shanks in a "Australian" accent. Shanks points at a sign that says "When you are drinking, you must add juice in every sentence you say to make sure everyone knows that you are drinking juice that looks like beer. You cannot say bar, beer, or sake. You must say Juice Parlor or Juice."

"WTF? Damn Juice! We're freakin pirates and we're drinking juice?" Benny Beckman, the first mate of Shanks crew says. He was cut out in the dub.

Luffy comes in and starts to scream at Shanks "Hey! Let me into your pirate crew! My punches are a blast but not like a pistol!"

" Fuddley Do, mate! You can't be joining our crew! You be a kid mate!"

" But…but…"

" Here have some juice mate!" Shanks said with a smile. He pulls out a bottle of juice from nowhere.

" THANKS!" and Luffy starts gulping all the juice.

" Ha Ha! Only kids drink apple juice!" Shanks said with a laugh and he drank some juice.

" WTF? Aren't we all drinking juice? What happened to all the beer in the world?" Benny replies. Everyone ignores him.

"You big doody-head Shanks! I'm no kid!"

" Whatever mate… WTF? WHAT DID YOU JUST EAT!"

" That fruit inside that box. It tasted very bad…"

" You big booger brain! That's a cursed fruit! It's the Gum Gum Fruit! Don't ask how I know! But once you eat it, you can't swim! But you get some kickass powers! Go Luffy!" Shanks exclaimed and patted Luffy on the back.

Shanks picks him up and Luffy droops back to the ground. Everyone laughs and starts drinking some more juice. Then that bandit guy comes in. "I want all the orange juice here! And no apple juice! I'm allergic to apples!" and the silence went through the "juice parlor" immediately.

"Sorry but I drank all the orange juice today… Here have some of mine!" Shanks hands him his dirty bottle. The bandit smiles and then…

"I DON'T WANT YOUR DIRTY PEE PEE!" and throws the juice at Shanks. He laughs and the bandit walks out of the bar laughing at the pirates. The pirate crew stays silent… and then starts laughing. Shanks laugh a crazy laugh.

"Croikeys! That was really wet, mate!"

Luffy gets pissed off, screams at Shanks and then runs off. I'm too lazy to write that part, So let's fast forward a bit shall we?

Fast forward to Higuma(the bandit) threatening Luffy.

"So you think you can beat us up? You little squirt! You're too young!" Higuma snarls at Luffy. Luffy screams "You wacky bandit!" and the bandit laughs. "Prepare for your doom, little kid!"

Shanks suddenly shows up and looks serious. Or as serious as you can be in this messed up One Piece world. "You can laugh all you want at me! But my friends are the most important! No matter what, the bond with my friends will last forever! I will always protect them!"

" Dude! I already know that! I think I know it from watching all those damn 4kids shows that always say the same thing about friends all day. All 4kids does is try to inspire little kids about friendship over and over again. Same moral lesson every time. What about dreams?" Higuma said. He was pissed off.

" Ohh… Sorry mate…" Shanks said sheepishly.

" Don't worry… Because you will have something to be sorry for! Knock Knock!

Shanks: Uhh… Who's there?"

" P…"

" P who?"

" P U! You smell bad! Hahahahaha wasn't that funny! (Al Kahn in the other world is laughing at the same joke)"

" Dude aren't you like… 40 years old…?"

" Shaddup! Kill him!"

A guy walks up and pulls out… a **boxing glove gun! ** "He he he… Red hair… Get ready for some boxing action!"

" Is that going to kill me?" Shanks said with a huge sweat drop on his head.

" I dunno…." Replied the guy with a boxing glove gun.

" You're going to risk your life with that gun…"

Then Lucky Rou(the fat guy eating meat) comes out and shoots him." When he wakes up… Be sure to tell him that it was a cap gun." Shanks said in a cool way.

" AHHHHHHH! I GOT HIT! BY A CAP! GAAAAHHHH! IT HURTS! THE CAP! OH GOD! IT'S IN MY EAR! I CAN'T GET IT OUT! IT'S IN MY BRAIN! OH MY GOD! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" The guy was still conscious.

" …Ok anyways, you guys shouldn't have picked a fight with us pirates-" Shanks said, attempting to ignore the screaming guy right next to him.

"AHHHHHHH! IT HURTS! THE DAMN CAP! DAMN YOU PIRATES! HOW DARE YOU HIT ME WITH A CAP GUN! GAAAHHHH!"

" Right… this is the part where…"

"WHY ARENT YOU GUYS LISTENING OR HELPING ME! AAAHHHHH! I'M IN PAIN! I NEED A DOCTOR! DOCTOR!"

" JEEZ! Benny SHUT HIM UP!" Shanks said, losing it.

Benny Beckman walks up and shoots him with a real gun. But instead of blood coming out, some rainbows and butterflies fly out! Benny proceeds to beat the crap out of all the bandits. Higuma looks shocked "Uh-oh! Time to go!" He grabs Luffy and runs to the dock.

" Darnit! He's drappled Luffy! Let's go crapple with this klapple!" The red hair pirate said in some weird kiddy language.

" What are you saying…?" asked Benny.

Meanwhile, Higuma kidnapped Luffy and now they are on a boat." Once I get away, Imma drown you in the sea brat!"

" Oh Hellz No! I can't swim!"

" That's your fault! Sign up for classes you idiot… uhhh pee pee head…"

" No! I don't wanna! Wah! Wah!"

" Shut yer trap boy or else…"

Then a huge Sea King popped out of the water and ate him whole. Luffy could have sworn that the huge fish choked and spat out the remains. The mutant fish start heading for Luffy before…

"Luffy! Watch out mate!"

Shanks arrived and pulled Luffy from the attack of the Sea King. Had he been a half a second late, Luffy would have been eaten. Or might have been, after all he is rubber… Luffy looked up and started crying… "Oi Luffy… You're supposed to be a man… Why are you crying?" Shanks said calmly.

" But… Shanks… YOUR ARM!"

Shanks' arm has been eaten by the huge fish. The fish comes back for more but Shanks stares him down with some Sharingan Action (OMG NARUTO!) The fish runs away from the SHARINGAN (said in scary tones.) "Ah! Don't worry about it. It's not like there's going to be any blood…"

Luffy looked up to see he was right. The sleeve was torn off but wasn't stained. Rainbows and white light flew out from the wound! Luffy looked in and saw kids jumping around laughing like crazy! Then the leprechaun came out with some gold and…

"Uhhh… Luffy… Stop looking at my wound ok… It creeps me out man…"

Oops… Got off track there. Ok, fast forward to Shanks leaving. I've already wrote too much…

" Bye Luffy! Grow up to be a man!" Shanks said with a wave with his one arm.

" I will Shanks! I won't ask to come with you this time! I will be the greatest pirate ever! I'll even be better than you!" proclaimed a smiling Luffy.

" Haha! You? A pirate? Well if you say so... Here have my hat!"

Shanks gives Luffy the hat and says" This hat is special to me. It saw me through many battles and one day… Someday, when you become a great pirate, return this to me. It's a promise between men!"

Shanks and Luffy look at each other with their hands on the hat… a promise that will last forever!

Suddenly some 4kids guy comes in and says

"That's a No-no! No touching and emotional scenes allowed. THIS IS NOT ALLOWED! So I must fill it in with a corny joke.

"Why can't you say a secret in a cornfield? Because they are too many ears! HAHAHAHAHAH"

"What's the difference between a cat and a dog? None! They both lick themselves! HAHAHAHA"

" Hey! We were having a cool moment and you just messed it up! DIE BASTARD!" screamed an angry Shanks. His eyes turned red.

Shanks proceeded to grab him by the neck and then reach down the throat and grabbed his esophagus and yanks it out and ties his hands together. Then Shanks stuck his hand into the 4kids guy chest, pulled out his small intestine and then whipped him with it. He then proceeded to reach him and grabbed his heart and squeezed it so hard that the guy's head blew up and brains scattered everywhere. Shanks tore off that guy's arm and beat the remains into a bloody splatter. Then Shanks finally kicked him in the balls. Which one was the most painful?

" Ok… I gotta go! Cya later Luffy!" Shanks waved again.

" Bye Shanks! Cya in the future!" Luffy waved back.

And Shanks was off…leaving Luffy with his hat and a bloody mass that was once a 4kids employee.

-End Flashback-

" Oh… Nice story…" Zoro commented.

" Yeah! Ok… Let's go get some meat! Hey look a bird! I got me some dinner!" Luffy was already starting to think about food. He had ate an entire Sea King during the flashback.

Luffy screamed "Gum Gum Rocket" and launched himself toward the bird. And then got his head swallowed by a mammoth bird.

" Yeah and the dinner's name is Luffy! Why did I just say such a corny joke? I NEED TO RESCUE LUFFY!" And Zoro goes to save Luffy, rowing his boat with inhuman strength.

To be Continued….

A/N Ch 4 is re-done! I had to change the format back to story format. Sorry for all the confusion!

Some parts are overdone but at least its not underdone like the dub… Well thanks for all those that reviewed and please continue! Also thanks to all those people who took time out of their lives to read this random story. Anyway, sorry for all the doo doo, pee pee, and poo poo junk. That's what happened in the dub… Well until next chapter

NEXT TIME ON ONE PIECE

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO LUFFY? WHAT IS AL KAHNS PLAN?

STAY TUNED FOR ONE PIECE

(some weird music starts playing)


	5. Chapter 4 Buggy and the World of 4kids!

Chapter 5 is up! Been about a week since last update, not too much, but for me it's way too much. I had to re-do all the previous chapters for some minor junk. Ch 4 was re-formatted entirely! Well this one will have some more 4kids bashing goodiness! Enjoys!

A/N Thanks to all those reviews! And for all those people who think this is funny, thank you very much. Thanks for all those suggestions! I took a few, and I will take all of your suggestions! Thanks for those who commented on my writing, I'm still a Noobie writer, so all comments are appreciated! Sorry for the script format of ch4, but I fixed it up now.

As for that yaoi comment in chapter 1, I got rid of it due to all the confusion…

All _Italics_ are thoughts.

Also, this chapter's gonna have Buggy! Also, remember that the Strawhats falls into this university. So it's like they go through everything again with knowledge of all things that are going to happen.

DISCLAIMER: All lame and stupid things that happen in here are the works of 4kids. The characters are the works of Oda. All I did was make fun of the lame and stupid things. Stupid comments belong to 4kids. Bloody scenes and all the stuff that happens at 4kids HQ are made up by me.

Chapter 4 -Captain Buggy! With a few modifications courtesy of 4kids! Remember kids! Never drink too much grape punch or else your gonna do all the crazy junk in this story!

"Hey you! This boat is the property of the Clown Pirates!" A bunch of clown pirates had leapt onto the small ship that Zoro was rowing.

"Oh really?" Zoro said with a freaky smile. It was scary. Not as scary as one of those bloody ghost movies, but still scary nonetheless.

After a few minutes, the pirates were helping Zoro row the boat. But somehow, they STILL weren't bleeding in anyway.

"Goddamnit already! Start BLEEDING! DO I HAVE TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD!" Zoro was getting pissed.

"Well, who would have knew that Pirate Hunter Zolo was in this boat." The pirate grumbled…

"MY NAME IS FREAKIN ZORO! WHO THE HELL CALLS ME ZOLO!" Zoro screams and cuts off the head of the pirate. Suddenly, care bears came out from nowhere and screamed "Care Bears! CARE!" and start sewing up the head back on. They drew a heart over the stitches and then whacked Zoro on the head and shot him in the foot with a 9mm pistol. "Care Bears will shoot all those who don't care!"

Zoro proceeds to drown all the bears in the water and then rips one of the arm and whacks the pirates to make them row faster. "Damn Care Bears!"

Meanwhile at the town where Buggy has just invaded (Someone know the name?)

"Hmmm… where's the meat?" Luffy had just beaten the crap out of the bird that ate his head, and now he was looking for his dinner. "If this is a town, then there should be meat. I need meat!"

"Hey Luffy! Long time no see!"

"Huh? Who said that? Hey do you have any meat?"

"Luffy, I'm up here!"

"Here? Where? Who's there?" Luffy was confused already. Then he used his rubber neck to turn around 1080 degrees. "Huh? I guess no ones here…"

"Up here you doofus!"

"Up?" and Luffy looked straight up and saw a bird. "Ara? A bird?"

"RIGHT HERE!" and then a long stick whacked Luffy on the head. Luffy turned around and smiled his usual smile.

"Nami! What are you doing here?" Nami the teenage genius navigator of the crew was sitting on a roof of a building.

"Luffy, why do you sound like a 16 year old homeless girl with a sore throat?"

"Nami, why do you sound like a valley girl?"

"Bequiet you doo-doo head! What the? Why do I always say doo-doo for no reason?"

" So Nami! Why are you here?"

"You tell me! Some old man comes out of nowhere and makes me come here. And then for some reason, Arlong is back, Buggy is back, and then all the beer in the world is gone. There's only juice, I can only say doo-doo for some reason, and no one's bleeding! What's going on here?"

"Oh! Something is up with the world and we need to fix it! And then we need to get some meat!"

"What? I don't get it…"

"Oh! Ask Zoro when he comes!"

"Zoro? Zoro's here? What about the others?"

" I dunno, where we found them in the first place?"

"Ok… Anyway, what's going on here?"

"I will be the one to explain that!" The old man appeared out of nowhere as usual in all clichéd junk. "You see…" the old man explained the whole 4kids junk to Nami.

"Oh… wait a sec… THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL!"

"Huh? I thought I explained it carefully…" the old wise guy that appeared from nowhere looked perplex.

"How the hell can someone just buy our world? Are they aliens or something?"

"What the? Why would you start to worry about that? Luffy and Zoro just accepted immediately…"

"Well these guys are almost braindead! Luffy's mind is made up of meat and Zoro can only work out and drink sake…"

"Well, Zoro can only drink juice now…"

"I don't care! One more thing, who the hell are you? How do you just appear from nowhere and just start guiding us like in some clichéd movie?"

"Well… Because the author of this story can't think of anything else…"

"Author? Story? What are you talking about?"

"Uhhh… I gotta go… CIAO!" and the old man threw down a smoke bomb and started running away. The smoke cloud lingers there for about 1 seconds.

"Hey! Where did that old guy go? How could he disappear so fast?" Luffy didn't seem to notice that the old man was hiding behind a trashcan.

"Riiiigghhhtt… How do we get out of this mess?" Nami asked Luffy even though she knew what Luffy would say.

"I don't know, Let's just eat some meat!"

"I see…" Nami started thinking of something before something popped up in her mind. _If all of the people that we fought are back, maybe I can get their treasures again! After all, we did beat them up in the original world… So let's start off with Buggy!_ "Hey Luffy, let me show you a new talent I have!"

"New talent? Cool!" and Luffy sat there waiting for the new talent. Then Nami tied Luffy up with some rope she got from nowhere.

"What the? Why'd you tie me up?" Luffy was confused. Not scared but confused.

"That's my new talent! Tying people up! Wait here for a few moments!"

"Ok!"

Nami sneaked off to somewhere, a bunch of thoughts running through her mind. _Well, I don't want to give him to Buggy like before, that was disastrous. I guess I need to tie him up though. He's just gonna get in the way of my treasure! I'll just get into Buggy's crew, steal his treasure, and then run away!"_ she congratulated herself on her plan, and proceeded to Buggy's base.

- - --------------------------- ----------------------- -----------------------------------------------------

Captain Buggy and his gang of clowns were feasting as usual. They were eating meat and drinking juice.

"I loves this juice! I loves to drink it while I plunder and slaughter innocent peoples!" snarled some clown pirate.

The rest of the pirates said similar things. Just so everyone would know that they were drinking some juice.

"Hello Clown-Pirates!" A 4kids employee wearing a suit said. He had the 4kids logo on his jacket and wore a 4kids hat.

"Who're ye?" asked a guy.

"Yeah! Me don't want lawyer! Me want psychologist! ME WANT MORE JUICE! HO HO HO!" said a pirate that somehow got drunk on juice. Yes, that is what happens when you get drunk on juice.

"Uhhh…. Right… may I speak with Buggy the clown?" the man asked.

"That's me! I'm Buggy!" Buggy, the evil clown pirate of the world looked up and smiled an evil grin.

"You're… Buggy? Buggy the Clown?" the 4kids guy said seemingly awestruck, before he said, "HAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUNNY RED NOSE! HAHAHAHAHA! IT'S LIKE RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER! TOO FUNNY! HAHAHA!"

The whole crew went silent. You see, if there is one thing you should never say to Buggy, it's that his nose is big and red. Apparently the 4kids guy didn't know that…

"You…you… Who are you?" Buggy said. Somehow he calmed down. The whole crew gasped. That was a first!

"Me? I'm in charge of the dubbing department for 4kids! I make sure their voices sound close to the original One Piece as much as possible! Even though I have never watched One Piece or heard a single clip from the anime, I think I can do a fine job! My name is Dun Bass! Nice to meet you!"

"Uh… captain… He insulted you, aren't you gonna kill him?"

"Yeah… But it's more polite to let the guy introduce himself before I KICK HIS ASS!" and then Buggy turned from a normal happy mood to a mass murdering mood. He used his Bara Bara (Chop Chop) fruit to split his body into pieces and used it to dismember the guy. Then the foot split into very tiny pieces and the pieces flew into the guy's ass crack. Then the small pieces of the foot flew up through the guy's body and assembled in the guy's stomach. Then the hidden knife slid out of the shoe and tore the guy's stomache out from inside. The stomach acid flew throughout the body and melted his internal organs. Then Buggy's hand split into smaller pieces and then went down the guy's throat and tore through many things to reach the 4kids employees heart. Then the hand re-assembled and start squeezing the heart at an extremely fast rate. Then blood started squirting from all holes in the guy's body. Buggy retracted his foot and hand and waited for the acid to finish up.

After 3 minutes, the body had deflated and all that was left was skin and the head that was still not dead.

"Hey you!" the head said to a small black clown pirate. "4kids only allows white skin! 4kids doesn't allow dark skin for no reason!"

The black pirate looked at him in confusion. Then the acid melted the insides of the head and the acid suddenly evaporated. Not touching the skin at all for some reason. The black pirate grabbed the skin and put it on. So that was how the pirates of Buggy's crew got their skin color changes in the dub.

Nami arrived at the base, just missing the whole bloody scene.

"Is Buggy the Clown here?"

"Yep, that's me…" said Buggy "Whaddya want?"

"Me? I wish to work for you! I'm a wonderful navigator! Can I be in your crew?"

"Navigator! Good timing, we just ate our last navigator on the way here. Well you're accepted into our crew! Let's celebrate our new crewmember with my new mix! Grape Punch! I made it yesterday!"

"HOORAH!" and the crew went back to partying. Nami stood there unsure of what to do. _They just let me into the crew like that? What's going on? Oh well… I'll just wait for a chance to steal their treasure… Maybe they'll get digestion problems from the juice? Dammit, why the hell is the cruel and ruthless clown pirates drinking punch?_

Nami waited and waited. Then the rest of the crew somehow passed out from drinking too much punch. If that was possible. Nami proceeded to the treasure room and knocked out some guy.

"Wow! Nice high-quality gold! And what's this…" Nami pulled out a piece of paper "A map of the Grand Line! Great! But… didn't we already get this before? Oh well, that old guy told me we had to re-do everything, so this might come in handy…"

Nami started running until…

"Hey! Who the hell are you!"

"Captain! Some weird guy with green hair is attacking us!"

"What the! Who are you?"

Crap! I forgot about Zoro! Uh-oh… 

"It's him… Pirate Hunter Roronoah Zolo!"

Zolo? 

"GODDAMMIT! MY NAME IS FREAKING ZORO!" and then there was a yell of **ONIGIRI!** (Demon Slash, his attack in the original OP) and then a bunch of people started flying through the air.

_Dammit! Why is Zoro here? Crap, I guess I have to go help him… we are nakama (crewmates) after all!_ And Nami went against all her instincts and ran over to Zoro.

Meanwhile…

Luffy was sitting there waiting for Nami to come back. "Man I'm so hungry… When's Nami coming? Well I guess she wouldn't mind if I get some meat…" and then Luffy was off for some meat. Then a huge booming sound erupted and Luffy was startled.

"What was that? Guess I should go check it out!" and Luffy was off.

After a few minutes of sprinting, our fearless hero arrived at the encampment of Buggy. Well what was the encampment. Now all the crewmembers were dead and dying. But with no blood whatsoever. And Zoro was clutching his swords preparing to attack Buggy.

"Hahaha! You're the famous three-swordsman but you can't even make a person bleed?" Buggy mocked.

"Shut up!" Zoro replied. But inside he was thinking _I see your point, I got 3 of the best swords in the world, I can cut through nearly anything even a moving train in my original world, but for some reason I can't even get a guy to have a papercut?_

Zoro waited for a perfect moment and then charged Buggy, swinging his swords around in a fast movement. It was nearly impossible to dodge, and Buggy didn't have a chance. One blade slashed through his neck and the other two sliced him through the sides. Zoro charged forward before stopping coolly like in all anime.

"It's over…" Zoro said in a cool anime sort of way. But that was before Buggy's hand rose and flew over with a knife in his hand, slicing Zoro at the waist.

Zoro fell to the ground, feeling the pain of the wound.

"ZOOORRROOOOO" screamed Luffy and he ran over. "What did you do?"

Buggy laughed and said "Me? I have the ability of a cursed fruit! I ate the chop chop fruit and now, my body can split at any place I want!"

"Cursed fruit? What the heck's a cursed fruit?" Luffy asked.

"Cursed Fruit! You don't know? It's the fruit that gives you extremely cool powers but then you can't float or swim in water! It's okay though because you can have some nice abilities and kick people's Asses! You don't need a supped up car to get a girl when you have a cursed fruit!"

"Never heard of a cursed fruit!"

"Are you an idiot? Everyone knows the cursed fruit!"

"You're the idiot! No such thing as a cursed fruit!"

"YOU'RE BOTH IDIOTS!" Nami screeched and then yelled at Luffy "I think a cursed fruit is a devil's fruit!"

"Devil's fruit?" Buggy asked.

"I don't care! This red-nose is a monster! He can split up!" the Rubber monster said.

_Uh-oh! Why'd he have to shoot his mouth off? _Nami thought.

"You…You…dare…. MAKE FUN OF MY NOSE?" and Buggy freaked out. Totally freaked out. If you've seen a clown freak out then it's scary enough. But when it's a pirate clown that can split into tiny small pieces, then it's twice as scary!

Buggy shot his hands that were carrying knives, out at Luffy who dodged it. Then Zoro was about to interrupt the fight when…

A man with a weird-ass white haircut riding a huge-ass tiger and another man riding a tricycle jumped out from nowhere.

"We shall be your opponents, Roronoah Zolo! I am Mohji the beast master!" The albino hair guy said and pointed at himself. "And I am Cabaji!" the guy riding the tricycle said. "WE ARE THE FIRST MATES OF THE BUGGY PIRATES!" both of them declared with pride! A flag flew out from nowhere and some confetti flew.

"I don't care who the hell you are but… never…never… CALL ME ZOLO!" screamed Zoro and unsheathed his 3 swords, wielding 2 in his hands and one in his mouth. He ran over and whacked the tiger with the flat of the blade. The tiger flipped over and crushed the beast-tamer on his head. He crushed his skull and spine on the concrete and the tiger landed on him, forcing his spine to break out of the skin. But there was still no blood.

Cabaji look frightened before using his tricycle to make huge smoke clouds. Then he rode into it and slashed randomly. When the cloud subsided, he realized he just slaughtered a bunch of care-bears. The surviving care bears turned evil and they all pulled out .50AE Desert Eagles and shot Cabaji in the head. You could push a coke can through the hole. But there was **still** no blood.

Zoro sheathed his swords and collapsed. _Dammit! That wound that Buggy gave me really hurt! But why do I feel so weak? It's not like I'm bleeding…_Zoro immediately went back to sleep. Meanwhile Luffy and Buggy were battling heavily.

Buggy had gained the upper hand, due to his splitting ability. Luffy was quick and flexible so he could dodge all the attacks that Buggy let loose on him.

"GOMU GOMU NO PISTOL… I mean… GUM GUM BLAST!" Luffy screamed and he launched his signature attack. Buggy's waist split and the upper body flew up over the attack.

"Ha ha ha! Let me tell you a corny joke in the middle of our deadly battle for no good reason!"

"Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"P"

"P who?"

"Pee Pee! Hee Hee Hee!" and somewhere a bunch of 4kids employees were nodding and thinking _Man, that joke is so funny that everyones gonna be watching One Piece!_

Nami sweatdropped and then proceeded to drag to huge treasure bag back to the boat Luffy said he had.

"NAMI! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL MY TREASURE!" Buggy screamed and his body split from the waist and his upper body flew over to kill Nami. Nami panicked at the sight of a clown flying at her. There's nothing scarier than seeing a clown wielding knives flying at your head.

Then Luffy noticed that Buggy's lower body was still standing on the ground. He pulled off the shoe and started tickling the foot. Buggy stopped his attack on Nami and started laughing like a crazy maniac. Then Luffy did a bunch of weird experiments that is too weird and disgusting to say. Use your imagination. Then he finally decided to kick him in the "special spot." But whenever his foot neared the… area…. an invisible shield was created by 4kids and forced his kick to hit Buggy's foot. Buggy screamed in pain and his eyes nearly flew out of their sockets.

"AAAAHHHHH! NEVER KICK A CLOWN IN THE FOOT! A CLOWN'S BALLS ARE IN HIS FOOT!" he screamed and fainted. Nami waited a while before she grabbed the remainder of Buggy's body and tied them up with a rope. Luffy walked next to the unconscious Buggy and screamed

"GOMU GOMU NO BAZOOKA! WAIT! I MEAN GUM GUM DOUBLE BARREL!"

The attack sent Buggy flying into the stratosphere. We will never know what will happen to him because 4kids decided to edit out the whole "What happened to Buggy" arc which is one of the funniest arcs. Damn Bastards.

"Ok! That's over!" the old man that acted like their guide said. He had just ran out from hiding behind a trashcan. "Now that you saved a town and its people from the evil clutches of Buggy the Clown, it's time for you to move on! No, you can't meet up with the people you saved. I'm sorry. Now let's rush off to the next arc so 4kids can sell Chopper dolls quicker!" and before Nami, Luffy, and Zoro knew it, they were gathered up into the boat and sent off. So that was that and Buggy was gone just like that.

"Ummm…. Shouldn't we get some more supplies before we leave?" Nami asked.

"No problem! Let's just drink some water from the ocean and eat the mice on our boat!" exclaimed the always cheerful and positive Luffy.

Then Luffy emerged a few minutes later with 2 huge bumps on his head.

"Right who do we need to pick up next?"

"Meat! I mean Sanji!" said Luffy. He got another 2 bumps on his head.

"I think its time for… Usopp and the Going Merry!" Nami said.

"Great… the long-nosed liar…" said Zoro.

"Yeah Great!" Luffy said with a mouse hanging out of his mouth. Another two bumps went on his face.

So the Strawhat crew was off again with their navigator to fight…fight… No final boss…yet…

A/N Finally done! I was extremely busy, so I didn't have too much time to write it. Hopefully it's still funny… I was too busy with junk to add lots of jokes. Well I hope you enjoyed ch 4! I forgot to add another scene with our most loved anime destroyer Al Khan, but ch 5 will have one. Next one will include Kuina and Usopp! Why so rushed? Because the whole Kuro arc is rushed as well. Blame 4kids. Until next time… Please review!

Also sorry for getting all of the mayor of the city (what was the city name?) and getting rid of the dog. I was too busy to put them into the fic.

By the way, do you think Buggy can do what he did to that 4kids guy? That would be awesome.

Sorry for all the Carebear junk. I just saw a commercial about the cartoon. It was so lame that I had to make fun of it!


	6. Chapter 5 CAPTAIN USOPP!

One Piece! The Loss/Unconsciousness of Kuina!

A/N First I need to tell some changes to this story. Instead of bashing 4kids, I will change it to a yaoi story. Then Al Khan will be the hero who saves the world. Luffy will die from eating too much meat, and Nami will end up in the DBZ world. Zoro will become a girlie girl with lots of makeup, and Usopp will be a drunkard.

Ha ha. Just kidding.

All jokes aside, review please! I will take all suggestions and criticisms.

Btw, Thanks 4kids, for giving me so many laughs and for giving me great material for a fic. The edits are already funny, so I don't have to worry about add jokes. Thanks 4kids! But also, go to hell 4kids, for making me feel sick sometimes and for almost making me go deaf. Damn Sanji's voice.

This chapter is much longer then others ones due to I'm putting the whole Kuina thing and Usopp thing in this.

Disclaimer: If the characters belonged to me, then nobody would like this show. Why? Cause they'd be fighting zombies or something. Or they'd be in Lord of the Rings. Or they would be in a castle fighting off zombies and orcs, and then somehow have the time to go sailing around the world while fighting zombies.

Great! Let's begin with something that was missing last chapter…

In the 4kids Secret Underground Headquarters located in the refrigerator of a McDonalds.

"Ummm… Sir? How is this a secret headquarers?" asked a random 4kids guy.

"It's very secret! First of all, I put a sign on the refrigerator door that said SECRET HEADQUARTERS! NO ONE COME IN! and then I also tied a shoestring so that if someone comes in, they trip!" said Al Khan, the secretive head of 4kids.

"But it's freaking cold!"

"Nonsense! Here, have a frozen Big Mac!"

"Ok! Fellow 4kids people! We will have a secret meeting today to reveal the true reason why I decided to license One Piece. The reason why is because I wanna take over the world in an unusual way."

Silence rang throughout the Refrigerator. But it was broken when a guy died from hypothermia.

"Take over the world?"

"That is so clichéd!"

"How can you take over the world by licensing anime?"

"Ha Ha! First we will license all anime from Japan and turn them into little kiddie shows! Even the hentai anime will become a show about massaging people who scream really loud! Soon, every TV show in Japan will become mine! Then we will move on to take all the Asian TV channels! We will slowly take over all the TV shows and channels in the world! And turn them into little kiddie shows for kids so that everyone will turn into little kids and won't be able to oppose us!" Al Khan declared in an evil voice and laughed manically. He even extended his arms and started dancing.

"…." Everyone in the room had stopped moving and face faulted to the floor anime-style.

"How is that gonna take over the world?"

"Yeah… Besides it's only TV…"

"SILENCE! Even I, the anime-raper, can't even keep my eyes on any one of my shows for 5 seconds! How do you think people around the world will react? They will turn into zombies, and we will force them to buy Pokemon cards and Chopper dolls! Nothing will get into our way! NOTHING!"

Suddenly the refrigerator door opened, and Ronald McDonald the clown mascot of McDonalds ran in wielding knives. Bloody knives. Bloody knives with lots of oil on it. "I will help you, Al Khan!" Ronald declared. When you have a clown with bloody knives on your side, everyone's going to be afraid of you. Especially if you have a clown who wants children to sit on his lap.

"Good! My allies are increasing! Now let us license Naruto! And turn the ninjas into professional cleaners who clean bad people! Then we will license Bleach, and turn the shinigami into cupids who make people love each other using their Zanpakutos!" Al Khan said.

"Do you come up with these edits randomly or do you actually think about it before you change anything?" asked Bob. You already know who Bob is. Everyone knows who Bob is.

"I come up with them randomly or usually when I'm getting some "fun" from the local whore" Al Khan said. He didn't blush at all. Which is very weird in anime worlds. But then again he wasn't in an anime world.

"So… I thought you came here to talk about One Piece?"

"Oh yeah! I fired our last editor because his edits allowed too much for little kids. Little kids can't cope with water guns! So now I hired a new editor! Meet Mr. Chicken!" and Al Khan pressed a button and a chicken walked in wearing a tie.

"This guy's gonna be our editor and our script writer! That's right, he's also gonna write the script!"

The chicken looked around on everyone and crapped on the floor. No, wait, by 4kids terms he "doo dooed" on the floor.

"Ok Mr. Chicken! I'm counting on you to write as many corny jokes as you can! And you Mr. Cow will be our music man! Here's a tape full of Looney tunes songs. Use that for the music." Al Khan directed to a cow. He had an amazing ability to make animals do stuff. It saved him money too. The cow put the tape in some mixer machine and started beating his head against the machine 200 times. The music that came out was then put into the show. The chicken was pecking at random things. Al Khan was barking and licking water off the floor.

"Ok guys! Meeting dismissed!" But everyone had already frozen to death. Even Ronald McDonald was standing there looking like something out of a horror movie. A clown with bloodies knife and a crazy face that was frozen.

"Dammit! I need a new crew!" He called up his secretary and told her "Get me a new crew off the street and tell them to meet me in the middle of a desert with no supplies and no water to discuss about new edits!"

OPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP

In the One Piece World…that has been screwed up by 4kids. By the way, if you hold shift while typing 4kids in comes out as $KIDS. Coincidence? Don't think so… Anyways on with the story…

Nami was drawing maps. Luffy was bouncing around like an Santa Claus on prozac eating pixie sticks and who just got laid. Zoro was sleeping as usual. But then again, 4kids cut most of that stuff out, so it's not so usual…

Zoro was having a dream… about his past… and how he decided to become the world's greatest swordsman. He was also having a dream about a hot anime chick. We'll get to that later.

"Zolo… Zolo…" the chick in his dream mocked. Zoro woke up and screamed bloody murder and cut a huge chunk of conveniently placed steel in front of him.

"ITS ZORO!"

He took a deep breath and went back to sleep. Then he got back to the dream about his past.

In Zoro's dream…

Zoro was a small boy that everyone in his village hated. Why? Because he beat the crap out of anyone who talked to him. Zoro had mastered the use of a wooden training sword. Or so he thought he mastered. He decided to challenge the local dojo.

He arrived at the dojo and screamed out his challenge. A calm man wearing glasses greeted him and welcomed him in. He was obviously the master of the dojo. He then accepted his challenge with a laugh.

"What happens if you win?"

"Then you give the dojo to me."

"And if you lose?"

"Ummm… I'll become a student here!"

The man laughed and said "Alright! Come in and pick any of those wooden training swords and then meet me in the main hall." Zoro walked in and grabbed about 20 swords. Just to be sure.

In the main hall, Zoro walked in carrying 20 wooden swords. Everyone laughed and cracked up. The master was sitting down calmly.

"Alrighty! Let's begin" Zoro declared.

"Right, here's your challenger, my daughter Kuina." And the man revealed a blue haired girl that had determination etched on her face. And a pink shirt and flower on her that didn't match. She also wore lots of makeup. Courtesy of 4kids, who believe girls are supposed to be girly.

"A girl? I wanted to fight with the master! And she's a girly girl with make up and a flower!"

"SHUT UP! DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY DAUGHTER! SHE CAN WHOOP YOU! NOW BEGIN!"

Kuina knocked the swords away from Zoro in a single strike. Zoro grabbed two of them and got into a stance.

_He knows Nitouryu? _Kuina thought. (Nitouryu two sword style)

Zoro ran over and swung his left hand while spinning around and also swung his right hand. But he was too slow. Kuina had already ran over to a closet, changed her clothes, went to the kitchen to get a drink, went to a local restaurant and then returned to beat Zoro with one hit.

"Dammit, she's really good!" Zoro said and then he ran at her again. Kuina screamed some Kung fu scream and jumped 300 feet into the air and fell down and brought the sword on Zoro. He should have been dead, but due to some weird anime-logic, he was only knocked out. That was how Zoro became part of the school.

Several weeks later after his acceptance into the dojo, Zoro was training 24/7 and lifted huge weights. He was determined to not be beaten by a girl. He mastered the two-sword style and then began on three-sword style, holding one sword with his teeth. He could beat anyone in the dojo, except for Kuina, who was so fast that she could fly to the Jedi Temple, return with a lightsaber and cut all 3 of Zoro's swords before he could even complete one slash.

One day, after Zoro's 9999th loss, he saw Kuina, who was crying.

"Dammit Kuina, why you crying?"

"Because, my dad said I can never be the world's strongest swordsman because I'm a girl! And I have breasts!" she cried grabbing onto her chest. Zoro blushed. But then realized that in anime-logic, whenever you were doing something perverted, the girl could whack you to the moon.

"I wanted to be the best! I trained all day to be the best! But, why can't I even be allowed to become a swordsman just because I'm a woman! I wish I were you Zoro!"

"Dammit Kuina! Don't say that! You were my goal! I always wanted to beat you! I have never even beaten you once. But that's not gonna make me better when you're so weak like right now!" Zoro declared "Kuina! Let's make a promise! That one of us will become the world's strongest swordsman!"

Kuina stopped crying and looked at Zoro. She grabbed his hand and said "I promise…" and then a promise that would last forever was made. But then as usual…

A 4kids guy by the name of John said, "Hey you little kids! You can't be all serious and cool looking like that! I won't let you seem cool; you have to be immature little kids! Ok, here's a joke!"

"What did the apple say to the banana? Wow, I never saw someone so yellow! And then the banana said, I never seen someone so red! Ha ha ha! Wasn't that funny?"

Zoro face faulted and Kuina looked pissed.

"Die bastard! This is the most important moment of my life!" Kuina cut him into tiny little strips from a sword that she took out from nowhere. She saved the eyes and brain for last and watched a hungry dog eat him from feet to head, and to leave a little bunch of crap on the floor. The dog ate the eyes last, so the 4kids guy could watch the dog eat him and then crap him out.

Kuina ran back to her room and slept. Zoro slept. They woke up, did a heavy training session and fought 3000 swordsman. Then the slept and woke up and did the same.

One day after Zoro lifted his 300-pound weights, a bunch of the dojo's students walked up to him with sad faces.

"Zoro… Kuina is…"

"What?" Zoro asked, his worst fear realized.

"Kuina is alive and in her room."

"Ummm…ok…" Zoro said and walked into the dojo to meet Kuina. And her father explained it to him.

"Last night, she was attacked by some jealous swordsman and put into a coma."

"Coma? Can I see her?"

"Nope. She's in a coma, so you can't see her."

"WHAT? IT'S ONLY A FREAKING COMA! IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S DEAD!"

"Well, she originally was, but we decided to tell you that she was in a coma because we thought that you'd be too sad if she died."

"No… way… We had a promise!"

"Don't worry, whenever she wakes up from her "coma" then I'll train her again and you can fulfill your promise. Here's her sword and a free coupon for Wal-Mart. Good night."

"Wait! Master! Let me see her!"

"No."

"It's only a coma, why can't I see her?"

"Because, I don't like you." And then the master ran off somewhere. Somewhere in a graveyard, Kuina was buried. But then 4kids wrote on her tombstone "Not dead, only in a coma" so that people wouldn't be sad.

Zoro went back to training, mastered his style, and 10 years later, and embarked on his trip to become the greatest swordsman. And 4kids still told people that Kuina was in a coma, even though no one ever saw her again. The end.

Zoro woke up from his dream.

"What the? It's 11 pm? Bedtime!" and Zoro rushed off to go back to sleep.

A few days later…

"Pirates are coming! Pirates are coming!" a teenager ran throughout the streets. He wore boots, had long bushy hair, and wore a bandana. You should know who he is. Oh, he had a huge long nose like Pinocchio.

"I'm gonna kill you Usopp!"

"Stop lying!"

"Don't you know lying makes your nose grow longer?"

"Eat lead bastard!"

The townsfolk had ran out and grabbed their shotguns and started shooting at Usopp. "GAH! When did you guys get shotguns?" Usopp screamed as he dodged a round over his head. He was unusually fast so he could avoid most of the shots.

"Damn, that Usopp is unusually fast so he can avoid most of the shots!" screamed random townsfolk.

Usopp laughed at the townsfolk attempts to hunt him down, and looked behind him. Bad move. A huge guy with an axe appeared in front of him and screamed, "I'll cut out your lying tongue!" and brought the axe down.

"WWAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Usopp's eyes popped out and then he threw in egg in the guys face. "Why are you guys so violent today? WAHHHH" and he dodged another axe swing and ran for his life.

"We're tired of your lies, so we're gonna kill you good today! Eat this!" and a townsfolk pulled out a rocket launcher and fired. The rocket hit Usopp directly on the back. But then again, the rocket was luckily from 4kids. So all it did was stick itself on Usopps back and hammered him repeatedly with a boxing glove that came from the top of the rocket.

"Damn rocket!" screamed the townsfolk. Then Usopp ran for his life.

_Gah! I knew I shouldn't have made that lie that got those 2 people married, got another 4 pregnant, and made 3 people suicide! Now they're trying to kill me!_

Usopp ran and ran. The townsfolk chased and chased. Usopp kept on running. The townsfolk kept on chasing. Usopp went to sleep. The townsfolk also went to sleep. Usopp kept on running for about 3 hours. The townsfolk also ran for about 3 hours. Finally, the townsfolk gave up and collapsed. Usopp kept on running. He was a champion sprinter that can run long and fast. Finally, Usopp arrived at the coast fell down and collapsed.

"Man, those guys are so evil today, I didn't think that they would actually try to kill me…"

Usopp sighted a ship coming towards the bay. Usopp immediately ducked down.

"A pirate ship? With the flag of Buggy the clown! Time for Usopp to show the world of how a man he is!" and Usopp pulled out his trusty slingshot and loaded a pachinko into it. He let loose a shot.

Somewhere on a boat, Zoro got hit by a ball. "What the? What's this? Food? No, time to go to sleep." Zoro threw the ball into the ocean and went back to sleep. A nearby sea king that was going to eat the ship suddenly swallowed a small metal ball and choked to death and died.

Usopp called out his crew. His crew consisted of vegetables. 3 little boys named Carrot, Pepper, and Onion. They once had real names, but due to some cruel humor from 4kids, they would now taste good in a stew. The boys lined up and ayed their captain.

"I, Captain Usopp, will defeat those pirates and protect our town from the evil pirates!"

"Ummm… Captain… no offense but you shouldn't make such manly speeches with that voice of yours…"

Usopp ignored him and continued on. "We must force the pirates to retreat! Here's my plan…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Luffy, Nami, and Zoro had arrived at the island. They walked off to get some supplies for the trip ahead. And also some feed for their captain.

Luffy bounced up ahead and Nami pulled him back while whacking his head.

"Don't get so far ahead."

Luffy turned around, smiled his idiotic grin and nodded. Suddenly, a voice rang out declaring, "Leave this island! For you come onto the island under control of the Long-nosed pirates! We have over 300000000000 men! Turn around now and we will spare your lives!"

"300000000000 men! WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!" Luffy exclaimed with his eyes popping out 40 feet and his mouth wide open. Even Luffy had to pull a gomu gomu no balloon/ gum gum balloon in order to have enough air to pull off his "wow"

_300000000000 men? Sounds kind of familiar…_ thought Zoro, but Nami had already figured out who was behind it.

"Next time you should have a more believable lie, Usopp!" Nami said and threw a huge rock somewhere in the bushes using her crazy strength.

- ---- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Ha ha ha! Long time no see you guys!" said a cheerful Usopp with a huge bump on his head.

The crew was eating at a restaurant. Luffy was eating a whole cow.

"So Usopp, you ready to go on an adventure?" Luffy asked through a mouthful of meat.

"Yeah, I guess…"

"By the way, Usopp why do you sound like a donkey that just breathed helium with a stick up its ass or like a leprechaun on crack?"

"Shut up! Zolo!"

Usopp walked out of the restaurant with 2 additional bumps on his head. Usopp proceeded toward the huge mansion at the end of the village, avoided a shotgun pellet, and walked towards the wall, opened a secret entrance and walked in.

Usopp climbed up a tree and sat on a branch near a window and knocked on it. A fragile delicate young lady walked up and opened the window. She looked rather sickly but she seemed happy to see him.

"Hey Usopp! What story are you going to be telling me today?"

"Kaya, I'm sorry but I must go on my adventure to see the world today. I came to say goodbye."

"What'd you say? Sorry my ears can't pick up such a high pitch."

"I said… I came to say goodbye… Kaya."

Kaya looked at him for a while, her eyes unreadable. She was just about to say something before a man walked in. He wore glasses and had slick hair combed neatly. He wore a fancy suit and strange striped shoes.

"YOU! Kuro!" Usopp shouted in surprise.

"Kuro? I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone else. My name is Kurahadol, and I'm the butler here. And what brings you to the window of our mistress?" Kuro asked in a dark sort of way "This is intrusion of property. I must ask you to leave or else I must force you off this property."

"You! You're just a greedy pirate that's after Kaya's money!"

"Oh? This coming from the mouth of a liar that not a single person in this village trusts. You are just a bastard with no mother and a no good pirate father that ran away due to his incompetence. Not only that, but just so you can have attention to yourself, you tell lies to make everyone notice you, without your ridiculous lies, you would be an unnoticed useless man on the street."

The words stung deeply and Usopp got angry. He climbed in and ran over to hit him in the face.

"Stop!" Kaya screamed but it was too late. Usopp had punched Kuro right in the face. Kuro fell to the floor with his glasses askew.

"Barbarian! You're just a barbarian who hits whoever doesn't let you have your way and just force your way through life!" Usopp's anger let loose and continuously whacked Kuro.

"My father… is a honorable warrior of the sea!"

"You shouldn't say something so cool with that squeaky voice of yours."

"SHUT UP!" Usopp continued to pound Kuro's face. Kuro took the blows as if they were nothing.

"STOP IT USOPP!" Kaya screamed. Merry, the other butler of Kaya, rushed in and pulled Usopp off of Kuro. Kuro stood up as if he hadn't been hit and insulted Usopp once more.

"Someone like you will never be a man."

"Shut up! What do you know about being a man? All you can do is run away from a pirate's life and hide with your tails between your legs because you can't stand the pressures of being a pirate! You turn away at the slightest bit of pressure and then spend your time going after sick girls! What kind of man are you?" Usopp screamed.

Usopp's anger was fully let loose and then ran over to Kuro and pounded him to a pulp. Kuro died and Usopp lived happily ever after. Then 4kids deleted the cool scene. "We must not let Usopp be so cool and have so many great and touching speeches about being a true man! He must be a teenager with a cracky voice and have lame speeches about friends and the little bird in the sky! Such an intense scene will never be able to be taken by kids or teenagers. We need a happy scene with elves jumping around and butterflies flying around!" said Al Khan in his office. He started editing the scene on MS paint.

Back in the re-edited world…

Kuro walked in the room to see Usopp and Kaya talking. He remarked "What beautiful butterflies! Come Usopp! We must have a sing a long!"

Usopp ran over and hand in hand with Kuro started singing the song in the sound of music. "Do a deer, a female deer…" and so on. Kaya cheerfully clapped and little elves surrounded her and danced around happily. Merry walked in and started having a dance with hundreds of giddy trolls. Butterflies flittered around and everything was all cheerful and sunny and a beautiful lush jungle popped out of nowhere in the room. And everyone lived happily ever after. The end.

Al Khan thought for a while and said "Nope, still too violent for kids."

After several more re-edits…

Usopp had been booted out by a pink elephant with make up and a Hello Kitty dress.

"Damn that Kuro, insulting my father and calling him a doo-doo pirate with cooties! I'll never forgive him!" Usopp said. He felt slightly better that he had punched Kuro in the face.

Usopp ran off and went off to lie. Later in the afternoon…

Usopp's pirate crew was wandering around the village and noticed a strange man moon-walking down the street."

"Hey look it's a moon-walker!" said Carrot.

"He looks familiar!" said Pepper.

"Oh dear god! It's Michael Jackson! Run!" screamed Onion.

Jango, the hypnotist, was moonwalking down the road. Or actually teleporting if you saw the dub. Anway, Jango walked past the kids, tipped his hat and smiled and lifted off his girly star glasses.

"Yep, definitely Michael Jackson" said Pepper.

"Onion! Pepper! Carrot!" called Usopp. Someone who overhead suddenly looked up and said "Ah yes! The missing ingredients to my soup!" and ran off to start cooking.

"Guys, we need to take out the butler at Kaya's mansion, he's a pirate!"

"A pirate! Oh No!" screamed all three of the boys. "Should we ask your friends for help?"

"Nah, I don't think they could do much now." Usopp pointed at the three. Luffy had a belly the size of a hot air balloon, Zoro was snoring loudly with a hundred sake bottles around him. Wait no, a hundred "power juice" bottles. Nami was attempting to kick her crewmates awake. She also drank too much juice.

- - - - -- - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Usopp and his crew made his way into Kaya's mansion. They climbed up to Kaya's room, and tried to tell her about Kuro. When Usopp opened the window, Kaya gasped and Kuro arrived and screamed for the guards.

The guards pulled out their guns and aimed it at Usopp. Usopp and his crew started running.

"Carrot, Pepper, Onion! Let's go!" Somewhere around the mansion someone commented "Yep those got lots of nutrients!"

The guards took careful aim and squeezed the trigger, waiting for the bullet. But none came out. But instead a suction cup dart flied out and hit Usopp.

"GGGGAAAAAAAAHHHH! I've been hit!" Usopp screamed and stumbled on the floor and rolled around and screamed.

"Captain let's go!" Onion said and pulled off the dart. "Ok, I thought that was a good lie too…" Usopp said and started running.

"Damn! Our suction cup dart guns are useless! Pull out the water guns!" screamed Merry.

The guards fired one last time, and the darts attached to Usopp and Carrot. They pulled it off and ran. "Damn" the guards said and pulled out the water guns. They ran over to the hose and put some water in before they started firing. But by then, Usopp and his crew was long gone. The bodyguards shrugged and started giggling like freaks and tore off their professional suits and started playing in the pool with their water guns.

"Dammit! NEVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN! OR ELSE WE'RE GONNA SHOOT YOU WITH OUR DEADLY SUCTION CUP GUNS!" Kuro screamed.

Usopp spent the rest of the day trying to convince the villagers that Kuro was really a pirate. He walked back to the meeting place of his crew and pulled off his worn out Kevlar vest, full of shotgun pellets, and tore off the rubber rocket off his head. The rest of the crew was gathered at a specified meeting place.

"No luck captain?"

"Nope. Guess we gotta stop Kuro ourselves."

"Hey Usopp! Some pirates are about to land!" yelled out Luffy, his enormous belly fully subsided.Usopp, Zoro, Nami, Luffy and the Veggies had walked out on the cliff.

"Where did you hear about these pirates?"

"I saw Kuro talking to the weird hypnotist and he told him to come to the shore at 5:00 AM tomorrow!"

"Alright… Then everyone! No one believes us so let's stop these pirates ourselves! This is my village and Kaya is my friend. I won't let them take it away! As a man!" Usopp declared. It would have been a cool speech in his original voice but now it was… weird… imagine Mickey Mouse smoking crack saying that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The preparations were complete. Kuro's former crew had arrived at the island. Years after Kuro had abandoned piracy, the crew had lots of developments. But they still couldn't take on the powerful former captain of their crew. Kuro hired them to do this one job for this one time and the crew reluctantly agreed.

"Alright Mateys! Let's go! Before Kuro rips us into tiny pieces and feeds us to the fishes!" the crew cheered and ran on the island.

Meanwhile…

"Where are they?" Usopp asked. They had been waiting for a long time at the coast. Zoro was already sleeping.

"Are you sure it's this coast?"

"Yeah! Definitely!"

"But then, Why do I hear voices on the other side?"

"CRAP! THERE'S ANOTHER ENTRANCE OVER THERE!" Usopp remembered. The rest of the crew jumped up and started running towards the other entrance.

"Zolo! Time to golo!" "I'm going to kill you bastard!" forcing Zoro and Luffy to run faster.

But then they ran too fast and stopped.

"Hey! Where's north?"

"Umm… whichever place feels coolest!" and Luffy ran off in some random direction. Zoro started running in an completely opposite direction.

Nami and Usopp managed to make it to the other entrance before Kuro's crew had made it up.

"Crap they're here!"

"Here! Eat caltrops!"

"You got caltrops? Cool!" and Usopp threw a bunch of caltrops, which was never seen or heard of again, courtesy of 4kids.

-- - - - - - - - - - -

"Dammit, where are they?" Nami screamed. She just beat up an oncoming pirate. She and Usopp had been fighting the pirate for the last half hour. She attacked with her long pole while Usopp sniped from behind. However, the pirates kept on coming.

Finally, Luffy arrived and beat all of the pirates with a single move.

"Gomu Gomu no Gatling Gun! I mean, Gum Gum Rapid Fire!" and the whole crew was defeated.

"Great! Let's go!" Luffy turned around and was preparing to leave before…

"1 2 3 JANGO!" and Jango, the new captain of the Black Cat crew hypnotized all the crewmembers to be extra strong. Then…

"HHHHHHOOOOOOORRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRR!" Luffy screamed, also hypnotized. He ran over, took out the crew, and then tore up their ship. He managed to pull off the main part of the boat before Jango hypnotized him to sleep. Luffy, being Luffy, didn't have enough wits to not look at Jango. He fell asleep, with the boat falling on him.

"Crap, we got no men left! Meowban! Come out!" and two crewmembers jumped off the ruined ship and ran over to slaughter Usopp and Nami. Then Zoro came in and yelled "Onigiri!" and took out both of the brothers. But there was no blood.

Meanwhile…

Kaya was being escorted by the Veggies. She was kidnapped by the 3 kids and was running. Being the sweet little girl she was, she played along. That was until she saw the body of Merry on the ground. Badly wounded, but somehow with no blood. It was later revealed that Kuro was behind it and that Kuro was actually a pirate.

_I'm so sorry Usopp_ thought Kaya as she ran with the Veggies.

"Hey guys lets-" said Onion.

On the beach, Kuro had arrived and said "Oh…Is that why you-"

"Understand?" asked Onion "Let's get-"

"Held up by these guys? Is that the Black Cat crew these-" Kuro said on the beach.

"Kaya come on! Let's-" said Carrot.

"Get ready to-" said Kruo

"Hurry! Let's go-"

"Jango! You go find Kaya and make her write that will for her fortune!" Kuro screamed. Then Luffy woke up and screamed "Butler guy! Get ready to-"

"Hey let's-"

"Di-"

"H-"

"-"

"GODDAMMIT LET ME FINISH ONE SENTENCE!" screamed Kuro "WHOEVER ISN'T LETTING ME SPEAK FOR AT LEAST 5 SECONDS, COME OUT AND LET ME KICK YOUR ASS!"

And a 4kids employee by the name of Ories walked out and said "Sorry, but we are putting 2 episodes into one. We can't let you guys speak for more than 5 seconds. Sorry."

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

"Ummm… on" and he ran away, only to be cut into 50 pieces by Zoro. Zoro stabbed each separate piece and sliced those pieces into even smaller pieces. "That's what you guys get for calling me Zolo!" he screamed and sent the pieces off. Zoro smiled and said "Finally, someone's bleeding!" and He ran off into the forest after Jango with Usopp riding along.

Meanwhile the hypnotist, Jango was chasing Kaya. Jango cut all of the trees in front of him using his rings and then saw a figure on the edge of the clearing.

"There you are!" and Jango prepared to hypnotize her. He grabbed the figure to reveal it was 3 boys. Then Kaya started running away. Jango pushed the kids away and started chasing after her. He was more fit and caught up to her in a few seconds.

"Prepare to die… I mean… prepare to write a will!" and Jango pulled out his hypnotizing ring before…

Usopp, riding on Zoro's back, shot his slingshot and blasted Jango right in the face. Jango flew back and then Zoro ran out and slashed Jango, sending him flying. Kaya opened her eyes to see Usopp.

"Usopp… I'm so sorry…" she said before Usopp looked at her and said "Nothing to be sorry about."

"Come on, we need to take on Kuro."

- - - - - - - - -

Luffy and Kuro were fighting. Kuro's speed was incredible, and Luffy couldn't see his movements at all. Luffy however slowly began to figure out his trick and was able to dodge the attacks easily. Kuro sliced at him with his long cat claw swords and Luffy ducked and kicked him in the stomache. Kuro fell down to the ground and took a punch by Luffy. After a barrage of punches by Luffy, Kuro flew back before he was able to use his special technique for his extremely fast speeds.

"Heh… You're good…" Kuro managed to speak out. Suddenly it looked like he fell into a trance, his arms swinging his arms and relaxing his body.

"Oh No!"

"CAPTAIN! DON'T DO IT!"

"PLEASE NO!"

_What are they talking about?_ Luffy thought as the remaining crew was begging Kuro to stop. Now Kuro looked absolutely scary. Before suddenly…

A 4kids employee walked up and said "Oh my god! So scary! We can't have that!" and while Kuro was in his trance the employee put make up on his face, turned his suit pink and then put some flowers over his face. Then he injected Kuro with a needle that made him extremely talkative. So Kuro wore a pink suit with his arms swinging and talking about random things.

"Do you guys know how to get the paint off the ceiling? I've tried so many products! Also, what type of flowers do you like?" Kuro said, the injection taking effect. He was charging up his most deadly attack and talking about house cleaning and flowers.

Suddenly Kuro disappeared and started slashing randomly. His crew was also within range and most of the crew was slashed apart. But with no blood, but some water. Luffy was slashed quite a few times and he ducked down to avoid further damage.

Kuro stopped and then laughed at his dying crew. "That's what they deserved."

"You… WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO YOUR FRIENDS?" Luffy screamed his face serious.

"Luffy, I wish you would stop talking about friends and stuff. What happened to your Nakama and everything?" Zoro arrived with Usopp and Kaya and the Veggies.

Kaya walked up to Kuro and said. "Kurahadol, I'm sorry but… DIE!" and she pulled out her slingshot.

"A sling shot? Didn't you used to have a gun? Asked Kuro.

"Yeah, but it was **so** heavy!" commented Kaya.

Kuro laughed and said "Idiot" and he ran up and tried to kill Kaya. Suddenly Luffy stopped him and used his rubber body to stop his movements and screamed "GOMU GOMU NO BELL!" and let his head fly back and then let it loose, blasting Kuro far away.

"Good! Now let's get some meat!" Luffy said.

"Guys, I would like you guys to keep this a secret from the townspeople."

"WHAT? This would clear your name as a liar in the town!"

"Well, my reason is pretty cool, but because of my crappy high voice, I don't want to say any cool speeches."

"Oh, that makes sense."

"By the way, Usopp, I designed a ship for when you wanted to leave."

"Wait- Kaya I wanted to say goodbye a little better…"

"Doesn't matter, here's a ship and a Blockbluster gift card! Goodbye Usopp!" Kaya ran off.

"Man… Why is everything so rushed? Oh well. By the way, Guys, I'm becoming a real pirate, so the Usopp pirate crew is disbanded. I prepared a cool manly speech that shows how much of a man I am, but my voice messes it up! So cya ll!" the Veggies started crying but then was ushered off by a guy named Hoit.

"… What's going on? We beat up a pirate and then everyone leaves so fast?"

"Well I wanted to say goodbye to the villagers? I wonder if they'll miss me…"

"Yeah they will, you always made life interesting here. But, we can't let you know about how important you were! So lets go!" The old man acting as their guide again appeared out of nowhere and threw the crew onto the Going Merry. "Also, guys, your name is renamed as Merry Go so little kids can relate to it better. Bye guys! Cya later!"

"………."

"What just happened?" Nami said.

"Umm…. I don't know…" Usopp replied "Dammit! I forgot my stuff! Man, what's going on around here?"

"Umm… I dunno… Well anyway we need to get Sanji!"

"Sanji! YAY! He's my favorite!"

"And why is that Luffy?"

"Meat!"

"Right… Let's go!"

And the crew was reunited with Usopp and went off on their next adventure… What will Al Khan do next?

A/N Ch 6 is finished. Sorry about the end being rushed. Well that's what happened in the dub. They make it so rushed that I had to make a reflection of it in this. Sorry about those who don't like it. Well anyways thanks for reading! Usopp is one of my favorites and I just can't stand the voice that he has! Takes all the cool scenes out. All the cool stuff he does is just taken out in the dub… Dammit… Anyway I hope you enjoyed it.

Super long btw… I didn't expect it to be so long…


	7. Chapter 6 Part One Sanji! Screwed up!

One Piece! The Pirate Mafia Cook!

A/N Sorry about the long wait from the last chapter. I was busy with writing my other fic and having lots of plans. And then school started. I'm kind of tired so this might not be as funny as other chapters…. And then… I hit the writer's block! That's right….a block for just about any humor in general… so I wrote this very very… slowly…. Luckily, 4kids already has the hilarious edits 

This is only half a chapter. I've realized it's been a month since last update, and I'm still so busy with school that I haven't finished the other half. Then I have writer's block. Sorry. So this is all I got so far, please enjoy until I finish the rest of it. Since I have writer's block, this probably won't be too hilarious. I'll try, but no ideas come out… So anyways, next part will come as soon as possible.

Also, this fic is elevated to a T rating. Sorry, but I added some slight cursing.

It's time for the most messed up part in the 4kids dub that I've seen… The arc that still makes me cringe whenever I see one part of it… THE DON KRIEG ARC! Otherwise known as the Sanji Arc.

Great, now one more thing… PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Sorry about that. I just read a fic in which the author did the same thing.

Btw, whenever Sanji talks, try to imagine his voice speaking. If you don't know, it's a deep thug voice. Sounds very bad… It'll be funnier that way. But lots more painful to your soul:o

Also, I raised the rating because there will be more cursing. Big diff.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece in any way or form. I do have one piece of cake but I'm not sharing with you!

Anyways, onto the story… Oh by the way, thanks for the reviews and suggestions. I'll try to take all of them.

All _italics _are thoughts.

Chapter 6 – The Sea Cook Mafia Gang!

In the 4kids panel at some anime convention…

"Welcome to Anime Convention #2032123211! Today we have our special guests… the company that dubbed Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh…. Al Khan and his 4kids company!" The announcer yelled enthusiastically. He was standing on top of a stage with lots of people in the audience. Since this was a convention, the "gamer funk" was massive. No, it was _really_ massive. People were dying from lack of untainted oxygen. Staff had to spray 4 tons of deodorant so that the smell was tolerable enough to breathe in.

Al Khan walked on the stage, wearing an oxygen mask. The moment he walked on, people booed and threw tomatoes and apples. One guy threw a watermelon and a pineapple. Another guy threw a grenade. "FUCK YOU AL KHAN!" "BITE ME!" The crowd insulted him repeatedly. Al Khan ignored it.

"Hello anime-fans! Greetings from 4kids! Thanks for coming out of your parent's basements and cosplaying hot anime chicks and other peoples. 4kids insist that you guys get a life."

Boos increased. Everyone knows that Al Khan hates all anime fans and hold on to the old stereotype of them. "GO TO HELL YOU DUMB PIECE OF 4KIDS SHIT!" Another guy yelled. Excessive cursing was all over the place.

"Anyways, most of you have heard that we licensed One Piece. Now my plan to take over the world….errr…. I mean entertain the world is underway! Now, I want you all to feel welcome to leave suggestions in the suggestion box located over there. We will actually do all the suggestions in the box!" Al Khan pointed at the box guarded by 4 men with MP-5s. Anyone who tried to put a suggestion in would get shot. Any suggestions that made it in the box would get set on fire and 4kids would claim it never had a suggestion in the box.

"Sir, May I ask a question?"

"Sure… Yes, we do have Chopper dolls available. Buy one today!" Al Khan pulled out a huge board that read "Chopper says for you to buy a Chopper doll!"

"Ummm… that's not what I was going to ask… What I meant is why do you make so many unnecessary changes to One Piece?"

"Changes? Don't change the subject. We only make changes to… CHOPPER DOLLS!"

"Why do you have the worst voice actors?"

"Because we make CHOPPER DOLLS!"

"Will you sell One Piece to some other animation company?"

"No, but I'll sell you a CHOPPER DOLL! One for 14.95!"

"How long will you dub One Piece?"

"For as long as we have CHOPPER DOLLS! Buy one today!"

"What's the big deal on these Chopper dolls?"

"Love Chopper, Buy Chopper! Buy one today!"

"Ummm… How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing fine. So are our CHOPPER DOLLS!"

"Why didn't you license the One Piece manga?"

"Umm…. Kids don't read! They buy CHOPPER DOLLS! The coolest thing out so far! Buy one today!"

"Why don't you allow any blood at all?"

"Because I just don't like the color red! I don't know why!"

"Ok, how about guns? Why not a gun? Even cartoons have guns!"

"Oh that! You see I was drunk, and then I decided that guns are bad for us." Al Khan starts playing with his revolver "Then, you know, my best friend Billy Bob challenged me to a game of Russian Roulette. I lived but my worst friend Jo-jo Junior didn't. I partied all night and then woke up with a huge hangover! Then about 3 months later, I just randomly decided there wouldn't be guns."

"…. Ok, you claimed you would try to make the least edits possible. How come you didn't?"

"Because I just learned how to use MS paint, and I really wanted to practice!"

"OK, why do you always have to have a scratchy voice for the main character?"

"Well…it all started in 1995. I got a sore throat and I sounded terrible! 5 years later, this is my way of revenge! MWUHAHAHAHA!"

The audience face faults anime-style. Then a guy cosplaying as Luffy jumps up and shouts.

"Why are there any uncut DVDs?"

"Well…. I was just about to go buy some blank CDs at Wal-mart, but then, I wanted to eat some McDonald's. That's why."

"Ok, Why don't you allow smoking?"

"Because smoking is cool! I can't allow a cartoon guy to be more cooler then me!"

"What about those dumb puns and terrible jokes?"

"Oh that! You should start talking to my scripters over there…" Al Khan points to a bunch of toddlers playing with toys. "And they'll tell you! Anyways, as funny as the original One Piece was, kids can only understand dumb puns and terrible jokes! Kids are stupid no-good lazy people who don't read and watch TV while eating fatty foods all day!"

The crowd starts rioting and insults Al Khan. Fruits splatter the stage, while a pineapple nearly kills half of the 4kids people up there. Then a katana is thrown at Khan. He runs like a little chicken with his tails between his legs.

"Whew, that was close." Al Khan says as he pulled his tail out from between his legs. " I think they're all gonna start buying Chopper dolls now!"

"Al Khan!" A man by the name of Bob walks up "How do you plan on ending One Piece?"

"They'll find the secret cache of Chopper dolls! And only for $1000 dollars! They'll find the Chopper dolls and be called the King of the Chopper dolls, and they'll live happily ever after. The treasure known as One Piece will be the secret cache of Chopper dolls that only cost $1000! Buy one today!"

---------- -------------- --------------- -------------

"Luffy! Stop eating the ship!" Nami screamed. Luffy was eating the ship as usual.

It was a boring day for the Strawhats. They were looking around for the Floating Restaurant in where the cook was. But how could you find a ship on the ocean in those times?

"I need meat! Meat! Meat!" Luffy was begging for his usual dog feed.

"Luffy, when do you stop thinking about food?" Zoro asked, lifting weights. Not really weights, more like a boulder on a stick. No, more like 300 boulders on top of a mountain on top of a stick.

"Set the course for east and unfurl the sails, Zolo."

"Damn you woman! My name is Zoro! Zoro! Since when do you tell me what to do?"

"Well, do we have a captain that's capable of telling us what we do?" Nami indicated Luffy.

"Oh! This meat is rock-hard!" Luffy said, while chewing on a rock.

"I get your point." Zoro replied, an anime sweat drop on his head.

Nami sighed and looked around and saw a small rock. Usopp also saw it and exclaimed "Hey guys, want some target practice with our ship weapons?"

"Whaddya mean?"

"Get ready…"

Usopp pulled out a cannon, a sniper rifle, and a rocket launcher.

"Test #1! Cannon!" The cannon fired and blew up the rock. Usopp then fired a sniper rifle that fired suction cups and then a rocket launcher that fired a big balloon.

"Aw man… I ran out of ammo!" Usopp whined. The crew went back to whatever they were doing. The crew continued as if nothing happened. It was another normal day for the Straw Hats. Until…

"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KILL ME AND MY BUDDY! GET READY TO BE BEATTEN UP!"

A man ran in, wielding a sword. He ran at Usopp first, and slashed at him from the side. But then Zoro ran in and cut the sword in two.

"Oi, Johnny, long time no see…"

"Zo…zo…Zolo?"

"SHUT UP!" and Johnny was knocked out.

- - - - -- - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Ah…sorry Zol- Zoro…"

"…."

"Ah, so your buddy Yosaku was ill, then you guys were resting on a rock, and then a cannon blew it up?"

"Nah, the cannon missed. But what did hurt was that damn suction dart; it hit Yosaku in the eye! Then it sucked the eyeball out from his brains and now Yosaku can't remember the difference between an orange and a huge gorilla!"

"………I wonder who did that?"

"So, you guys looking for that floating sea restaurant?"

"Yep"

"Well I knows where it is! Let's go!"

"Wow, how convenient is it that we picked up a guy that somehow knows where we want to go?" Usopp asked.

"Well, there's a sign right there!" Johnny pointed to a big sign that said "TO BARATIE, THE FLOATING RESTAURANT. STRAWHATS COME ON OVER!"

Meanwhile, at a certain restaurant named Baratie….

"Ohh… My darling, you will love this restaurant!"

"Honey, isn't it floating on the sea? Isn't it dangerous?"

"Ah… My darling, don't worry, I, the marine captain Fullbody, will make sure you are safe!"

"Oh, you're so brave! I want some of Fullbody's _full body_…"

"Sure, here you go." Fullbody pulled out a candy called _Full Body_ and put it into the woman's mouth. Captain Fullbody was out on a date with a charming woman with no IQ and no name. I think she was a woman…Maybe it was a guy… Not too sure…4kids must have deleted her cleavage…

Fullbody and his date walked into the restaurant. The moment they entered the restaurant, everyone hushed and looked at the door. Then they returned to their meals.

"Wow darling! What a beautiful restaurant!" The woman cried, tears in her eyes.

"Yes, honey, anything for you!"

"Damn, are you guys like, filming some Shakespeare movie? What's with all that honey and crap?" A random guy called out from his seat.

Fullbody ignored him and sat down with his date.

"Waiter! Come here now!"

"Ok. HEY PUNK GIMME YOUR WALLET OR…. What would you like to order?"

"Alright whatever, we will order…" Fullbody did the ordering and then picked out something to drink.

_Hmmm…I need to show that I'm a man! I'm a marine captain! I must not let this beautiful woman think that I'm immature. I'll prove to everyone that I'm more mature then everything!_ Fullbody thought with a heroic face.

"Waiter! For beverages, I'll want some…Grape juice!"

"Uhhh….sure…" The chef looked confused and then saw Fullbody's date. "Yo lady! Wanna come crash over at my place biatch?"

The lady was frightened. "AHHH! A THUG!"

"Man, fuck you! I'll rob your ass!"

"WAITER! MY JUICE!" The captain screamed.

"Oh right." He disappeared and reappeared with two bowls of soup "Your juice will come later. Enjoy some soup bitches."

Fullbody wanted to humiliate the waiter for trying to flirt with his date so he grabbed a dead fly from a bucket that said "Put dead flies here" and then put the fly into his soup bowl.

"Waiter! What is this fly in my soup? What terrible service you have!"

"I'm sorry, muther-fucker, but GIMME YOUR WALLET OR I'LL BASH YOUR HEAD IN… Whoops, I meant sorry about the fly." The waiter replied. Fullbody's anger burst out. He had skipped out on his anger management class the day before.

"Get ready to die, Poo-poo waiter! KYAH!" Fullbody ran at the waiter and threw his balled up fist at his face. Of course, the fist had lots of metal stuff covering it. And a flower sticker.

The waiter spun out of the punch and lifted his leg up. He brought the leg down on Fullbody's head. Fullbody fell to the floor and the chef slammed his foot down again. This time, it landed on his head. Instead of people gasping in fear, most people cheered. One guy was doing commentary. They just couldn't stand all the cologne coming from Fullbody.

"Oi! What the hell are you doing you doo-doo cook! How dare you beat up on customers! Customers are gods!" A huge chef walked in. His name was Patty.

"Oi, no religion in the work place fool." The waiter/chef replied. Patty immediately apologized.

"Whoops, my bad. Customers are kings. HOW DARE YOU BEAT UP A KING, SANJI!" Patty screamed, his red face turning red. Then green. Then blue. And ending up at greenish yellow.

"Hey! Shut up! You wanna piece of me punk? Huh? Huh? Come get some bitch!" The waiter called Sanji started beating his chest.

"How dare you hit a customer? Look, his lifeblood is all over the place…. wait a sec… there is no blood… Damn, Sanji you're weak as hell."

"Shut up you punk!" the chef/waiter called Sanji replied. Yes, he's our pirate crew's favorite cook. Well only cook. What 4kids had done to him was pitiful and scarred him beyond recognition. Not really, but he was now a gangster cook that licks lollipops while acting like a prince around girls. Very, very, weird/random/messed up/idiotic/dumb/painful/ etc.

"I'll make you bleed!" Sanji kicked Fullbody repeatedly, but still no blood. "DAMMIT!"

"You…YOUR RESTAURANT IS GOING DOWN! THIS NAVY CAPTAIN WILL MAKE SURE IT WILL!" Fullbody stood up and screamed.

"Well get ready to die! Gimme your wallet or else!" Sanji screamed and kicked Fullbody. Fullbody fainted.

"So, will you come join me for a drink?" Sanji asked with heart for eyes towards Fullbody's date.

"WAH! Don't steal my purse!" the woman screamed.

"I ain't gonna steal your purse bitch! I just wanna have a drink with ye!"

"Get away from me! NOOO!" The woman pulled out a bottle of pepper spray and sprayed randomly.

_Dammit! Stupid voice! Now I gotta seem cool for the rest of the ladies…_Sanji thought and he smoothly reached into his pocket and grabbed a lighter…and pulled it out…

"Crap wrong thing." He reached back in and pulled out a….lollipop!

"Oh yeah! Sugary goodness!" Sanji said, and he sucked on his lollipop like a little kid. "Soooo good! Sweet sugar eases the pain! Oh yeah!" He seemed to forget that he was surrounded by disproportionate women with abnormally long hair and assets with super thin legs.

"Aww… mishter cook, can I havesh some lollipops?" Asked a cute little toddler.

"NO! ALL MINE! I DON"T SHARE ME LOLLIPOPS!" Sanji curled in a ball protecting his lollipops.

"MOMMY! THE MEAN MAN WONT SHARE!" The toddler grabbed the candy and pulled.

"MINE!" Sanji screamed.

"NO MINE!" The toddler screamed.

"NO, ITS MINE!"

"MINE!"

"ENOUGH! SANJI!" A man walked in, with long hair and a even longer chef hat that reached to the ceiling. His name was Zef.

"Hey boss" Sanji said, standing up.

"I'm the head chef, not boss. Anyway, Sanji! You need to stop your sugar addiction, now! Your freaking 24 years old!"

"Sugar! Can't stop! Must have candy! Must!"

"Dammit Sanji! Haven't you heard that people found out lollipops are worse for your body then cigarettes! I have a cousin that died from eating too many lollipops! His teeth fell out and he weighed 32 tons when he died!"

"Then I will die with a lollipop in my mouth! SUGAR! SUGAR! Damnit! How come I can't stop thinking of sugar? Dammit!"

"Sir!" a navy officer ran in and saluted "Our prisoner got away! I tried to stop him, but I ran out of water for my gun!"

"Y-y-you let him get away? OH NOES! WE'RE DOOMED!" Fullbody forgot about the situation he was in and pulled out his water pistol. "Come! We must get some more water! Let's take down this criminal!"

The whole room was silent. Tension and fear was in the room. The marines assembled in a line and prepared to take out the criminal. Everyone was prepared to duck down to dodge any gunfire in the way. They waited. And they kept on waiting. Then the criminal walked in.

"FIRE!" The marines fired their pistols. Water flew out everywhere and stained the walls. Most of the aim was so off that it hit customers.

"WAH! I've been hit! NO! I've been hit! Tell my girlfriend that I hate her! Tell my wife that I'm divorcing her! NOOOOO!" The guy died. Somehow. Yes, he died from a bit of water hitting him. This spawned a massive food fight and food was thrown everywhere, staining clothes and walls. The frenzy was continued until all sides ran out of ammo.

"Damn! Did we get em?"

"Thanks for the shower by the way" The criminal, that's called Gin. That's right Gin. Not Ghin, Gin. "Anyways, this is a restaurant right? Can I get some food?"

"Do you have any money?" Patty asked, holding his hands together with an angelic expression. He seemed to be begging. Most people would fall for his charm until they noticed that he was holding a huge 30-ton hammer that comes right out of some Bugs Bunny cartoon.

"Nah, but I have those 30 year old vintage lollipop made by blind dogs and cats."

"MINE!" Sanji snapped and grabbed the lollipop. "Give the man some food, biatch! Before I hold your ass up! Ha ha, it's like taking candy from a baby!" It was said in his best thug voice, while licking a lollipop. Very messed up scene.

So for the rest of the night, Gin ate hundreds and hundreds of pounds of food. He walked out of the restaurant and got in a random boat that was conveniently placed in front of him.

"Sanji, aren't you going to lecture him on how bad it is to not have food on the sea and how a chef is supposed to feed the hungry?"

"Nah, I'll probably just mug him or something."

Luffy and his crew arrived at the restaurant just in time to see Gin leave on the boat.

"LUFFY! Stop mooning him!"

"Awww…."

"Yeah, Luffy you shouldn't do that."

"USOPP! Stop flashing him!"

"Awww… come on… don't be a killjoy, I was wearing a kick ass costume!" Usopp revealed a costume with massive muscles and a 6 pack. It was in reality just a spray painted T-shirt….

The Strawhats stopped their playing and anchored their ship at a spot near the restaurant that was marked with "Pirates anchor here! Toll 3000 beli!" The tollbooth guy was blasted apart by thousands of bullets. No wait, thousands of suction darts.

Zoro pulled out the anchor and threw it in the water. The ship stopped moving and the rest of the crew piled out. They entered the floating restaurant and sat down at a table. They waited. And waited. And kept on waiting. Until finally…

"NAMI-SWAN! DID YOU MISS ME? I THOUGHT LOVINGLY OF YOU THROUGHOUT MY SORROWFUL MONTHS WITHOUT YOUR LOVING FACE! AND BODY!" Sanji swooned in, his eyes turning into hearts and his lollipop falling out. "Oh. Hey guys." He noticed the rest of the crew.

"Sanji…" Nami whispered slowly…

"Oi, Sanji, Long time no see!" Luffy said. "Why do you sound like dumb troll that has shit for brains and a 142 chopsticks stuck up your ears and nose?"

"SHUT UP! You sound like some 16 year old homeless girl with a sore throat!"

"Hahaha! You sound so stupid Sanji!" Usopp kicked in as well.

"Shut up before I mug your ass, you stupid leprechaun on crack!"

"Haha, stupid love-cook, are you going to steal my wallet or mug your date's purse?" Zoro, Sanji's rival, also pitched in.

"Shut up stupid swordsman, you sound like…like…SHUT UP ZOLO!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU STUPID THUG COOK! DIE BASTARD!" Zoro stood up and gripped his fists and held them up.

"SHUT UP MARIMO! GET READY TO DIE ZOLO!" Sanji straightened up and prepared to kick him.

"FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME, IT'S ZORO!" Zoro launched his punch. Sanji dodged and kicked his long legs at Zoro's face. Zoro responded to this with a duck and punched with his other hand. Sanji brought his foot around and kicked at the same time. They both hit at the same time, Sanji kicking Zoro and Zoro punching Sanji. Tie!

"Damn you…Zolo" Sanji gasped out. They had been fighting for the last hour.

"GRRRR! IT's ZORO!" Zoro managed to get some extra energy until Nami, tired of the squabbles, stood up and bashed both of their heads in. She was clearly the most feared of the crew.

"Zoro! It doesn't matter what the hell your name is! Sanji…" Nami looked shy for a second and then said what she wanted to say "Your new voice is so cool and sexy!"

"Wha?" Sanji gasped.

"Wha?" Zoro gasped.

"WHAT?" Nearly everyone in the room gasped.

"What's going on here?" Usopp gasped.

"OhMyGod, Did Nami just say that Sanji sounded cool and sexy?" The whole world gasped. Everyone froze. The world seemed like it was about to end. Crazy fanboys were delighted and started writing fics about it and also drew hentai mangas. The world had frozen. Had Nami fallen for Sanji?

"WHA-," Luffy seemed most surprised. "WHAT TIME WILL THE MEAT COME?" The whole world face faulted and an earthquake beyond the scale occurred, destroying half the dubbed One Piece world. Then everything went back to normal. How everyone heard the conversation in the restaurant was a mystery beyond anything.

"Did…did…did you just say that I was cool and sexy?" Sanji seemed awestruck. This had never happened before. He had been cut up by Nami, thrown halfway across the world, beaten up, kicked in the balls, and slapped, but he wasn't prepared for hits.

"Yeah, I've always liked thugs! I love those deep voices!" Nami actually seemed happy. Which was a total different thing from her usual annoyed face.

_Wow, she sounds so different as a valley girl_ "Well…this is a first…" Sanji took a deep breathe "Let's have some dinner together, biatch!" Before he could stop it, it came out. But it seemed to help.

"Oh yeah! I love that talk! Let's go!" Nami was even happier.

_Nami is acting strange! She's fallen for Sanji? No way! I work out and have huge muscles but she only notices me when she wants to hit me!_ Zoro thought.

_Nami? Sanji? No way! This cannot be! My long nose always knows what will happen! How could this be?_ Usopp thought.

_Meat! Meat meat meat meat meat! Chicken! Beef! Pork! Meat! Sausages! Steak!_ Luffy thought. He didn't seem to know what just happened.

Sanji sighed. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a new lollipop and started sucking on it.

"WAH! SANJI! You don't smoke? You eat lollipops? Damn you! Get the hell away from me! I hate all lollipops!" Nami kicked him away and he flew 30 feet away.

"NOOOO! Stupid lollipops! You've ruined my chances!" Sanji grew angry and threw and his lollipop away. Then he pulled out another one. "Ah…Sweet sugar eases the pain!"

Alright, now back to the "story" or the story that stories are supposed to have.

Gin was on a boat. He went in another boat. He went to some guy and said for him to go follow him to Baratie. The dark figure calls Gin his first mate and then says to head off for Baratie. Great, now let's get back to the Strawhats…

"Good job dumbass. You just saved yourself from getting a hot chick!" Zoro mocked "And what happened to your damn cigarettes?"

"….Shut up Zolo!" Sanji avoided a thrown object and started mourning. "Ah! My lovely Nami-swan! Because of this damn lollipop…I HATE YOU!" He threw the lollipop away. Then he pulled out another one.

"So Nami said she liked Sanji…and then Sanji didn't give her meat and she ran away?" Luffy said out loud. He was starting to pay attention after his large meal of meat.

"Ummm…yeah…sure…" Usopp said. He knew Luffy would forget in about half a second.

Nami was hiding in the bathroom, complaining that she never wanted to go out in public ever again. _Damn that Sanji! He embarrassed me beyond belief!_ Nami continued to curse Sanji.

This is how life was before the Strawhats were randomly attacked by a dude wearing gold armor and purple pants.

A man walked in wearing gold armor and purple pants.

"GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY!" The man yelled. Sanji proceeded to kick him in the balls. Then another guy wearing gold armor and purple pants wandered in and shot the dude in the head. Water, instead of blood, splattered everywhere.

"My name is Don Krieg! Please give me all of your food!"

"Alright. That will be 30021032 beli. Will that be cash or check?"

"Umm…Give me all your food or I'll shoot you!" Don Krieg shouted out and pulled out a pistol. He aimed it at one of the waiters that unfortunately had no name. "Food now!"

"Sir, if you don't have money…" Patty descended upon Don Krieg. "You can always borrow money from the conveniently but mysteriously placed bank inside our restaurant.

"Sure, I'll do that." Don Krieg borrowed some money, took all the food, and fed himself as well as the rest of his crew upon a nearly broken ship.

"Wah, good meal! Compliments to the chef! The shrimp was exquisite! OK NOW GIVE ME YOUR RESTAURANT AND GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL ALL OF YOU!" Don Krieg thundered in an enormously loud voice, pouting out his gold armor and balled his fists.

"Trying to steal our restaurant eh?" Patty pulled out his hammer and turned on the jukebox. Some badly played whacky Looney Tunes song came on. Patty whacked Don Krieg a thousand times.

Don Krieg didn't even budge. "I AM DON KRIEG! I HAVE 17,000,000 BELI ON MY HEAD! BOW DOWN TO ME OR DIE! MY FLEET OF 50 SHIPS WILL TAKE YOU ON!"

"Oh no! We are going to die in a very painful way." Everyone said emotionlessly. Like some robot was reading it out of the dictionary. It seemed like they didn't bother to sound scared that they were going to die. Kinda similar to the way 4kids voice acts.

Pirates poured out of nowhere, attacking the small sea restaurant. The cooks took some butter knives and fought back. The pirates shot at them with water guns. The cooks kept on running.

"OhMyGod! Our water guns are useless! They have butter knives! Retreat! Retreat!" About 2000 pirates with water guns were beaten up by 50 chefs with butterknives. The pirates all went into the ocean and nearly drowned.

"Damn you! Take this!" Don Krieg pressed a button and then machine guns appeared on his armor. That's right, not some dumb super soaker, but an actual machine gun. Bullets tore through the restaurant, and all the inhabitants jumped down to avoid death. Nami, Zoro, and Usopp ran outside. Sanji followed Nami. Luffy stood up, still eating meat. His rubber body protected him from all the bullets.

"Oh? So you ate a cursed fruit?" Don Kreig said.

"What? You mean the watermelon I just ate? Was it cursed?" Luffy replied.

"No! A cursed fruit! The fruit that gives you special powers!"

"Oh! Beans? They give off a bad smell!"

"NO YOU IDIOT! CURSED FRUIT!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You ate the Gum Gum Fruit didn't you?"

"Gum Gum? There's a fruit made of gum! Cool I want to try!"

"Luffy!" Nami popped her head back in to stop the stupid conversation "I think he means a devil fruit!"

"Oh! Right! I get it now…" Luffy still seemed confused.

"DIE STRAWHAT!" Krieg took advantage of Luffy's idiocy and fired off a few more bursts. None of them hurt Luffy. Luffy responded with his own attack.

"Gomu Gomu no Pistol!" The punch knocked Krieg out of the restaurant. The rest of the patrons continued their meals.

Luffy ran out and started to pummel Krieg with a 'Gomu Gomu no Gatling Gun'. Krieg's armor stopped all the attacks. The pair battled bitterly until…

"You stupid rubber man, get ready to be stretched like cheese!" Krieg started screaming stupid puns and crappy jokes that weren't funny. For no reason. And he was screaming them in the middle of a major deadly battle.

Then another boat arrived. It looked like a raft with a guy riding on it. He stood up and pulled out his sword, which was shaped like a cross and it was colored black.

He was Mihawk. The greatest swordsman in the world. Since this is a One Piece fic, then you should know him. So I'll get to the chase.

"OhMyGod! It's Mihawk!"

"OhMyGod! He has a cross! He's showing his religion! NOOOOOO!"

Mihawk swung his sword once, which somehow sliced a ship apart. He jumped and landed on a large part of the floating ship. Zoro also leapt there.

"Ho… Hawk-eyes…"

"Who ze hell are you?"

"WTF? You're French?"

"Yes, I'm ze Frenchie."

"Holy shit! Since when was the world's strongest swordsman a Frenchie? You look more Spanish then French!"

"Shut ze fuck up, I'll cut you up!" Mihawk readied his sword. Zoro prepared his blades.

"This has been my goal that I have pursued my whole life. I can't die until I beat you! I will never lose! This is my only chance to beat you!"

"You are out of my league, don't even try."

"Even if I am… I WON'T LOSE!" Zoro yelled and slashed at Mihawk who deflected it with a pocketknife.

"Where'd you get a pocketknife!"

"I stole it from some boy scout." And somewhere, a boy scout was being murdered by a bear, unable to fight back without his knife.

_What? How could all my strongest techniques be taken on by a pocketknife!_ Zoro attacked repeatedly and Mihawk blocked. Then sensing an opening Zoro used his ultimate technique.

"3 THOUSAND WORLDS!" Zoro screamed and attacked. Mihawk noticed an opening in Zoro's attack and then exploited it. His little pocketknife stabbed Zoro in the chest. It had the fork drawn out.

Yes, Zoro had been stabbed by a fork.

"DAMN YOU!" Zoro went insane and then hit Mihawk in a flurry of blurry attacks. Mihawk dodged and then used the bathroom. He also went to the drive-thru at the McDonald's located on the sea. They could be found anywhere.

Mihawk came back licking some ice cream. Zoro was still doing his technique.

"Are you done yet?"

"DAMN YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!" Zoro screamed and brought all three swords on Mihawk who blocked it using a fry to block it.

"GAH! My sword is covered with oil! So much oil!"

"Zis 'French' fry is powerful!" And Mihawk swiped at Zoro with the fry. Zoro ran away from the oil and grease of the fry.

Mihawk suddenly pulled out his real sword, while saying "Time to end this!" He swiped at Zoro and cut him across the chest. Mihawk, being the world's strongest swordsman would of course have the world's strongest sword.

"ZOOOOROOOOOOO!" Luffy screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Luffy, don't worry, he wasn't bleeding at all."

"WHAT? The world's strongest swordsman with the world's strongest sword can't make one guy bleed? What the fuck is going on around here?"

"Time to go" Mihawk ran away in a second and about 100 things that should have happened were skipped by 4kids.

"…" Then Krieg and Luffy resumed their battle.

"Gomu gomu no Gatling gun! Gomu Gomu no Pistol! Gomu Gomu no Bazooka!" Luffy screamed his Japanese attacks and whacked Krieg hundreds of times. However, Krieg's armor was nearly invincible.

"Get ready Monkey D. Luffy!" Krieg pressed a button, and machine guns appeared out of his armor. "Be ready to become a stinky rubber porcupine!"

Krieg fired 100 dart-looking things at him, about 30 hit Luffy directly.

"Oh no! Is Luffy a stinky rubber porcupine? Tune in next time for the next episode of… ONE PIECE!" A voice came out of nowhere and lots of terrible sounding music from Looney Toons came out.

OhMyGod! The cliffhanger…

A/N … Sorry… I've been so busy… Anyways, I'll try to finish part two by next week if I'm lucky… So please review and don't flame. I'll try to finish as soon as possible.

Btw, I like the Japanese attack names better, so I'll be using those.

Gum Gum Blast – Gomu Gomu no Pistol

Gum Gum Double Barrel – Gomu Gomu no Rocket

Gum Gum Rapid fire – Gomu Gomu no Gatling gun

And some other stuff that I forgot.


	8. Chapter 7 Not much to do with 4kids

One Piece! Inside the 4kids Universe!

The Shortest Chapter since Chapter 1 and 2!

Mihawk was riding on his raft when he noticed something. After his fight with Zoro or Zolo or whatever, his swords had changed shape. His swords included his massive black sword and the small tiny little one that he used for both buttering his bread and owning all the world's best swordsman. Yes, fear the butter….

"….Why do ze swords have no crosspiece? And why can't I stop speaking in zis crappy French accent?" Mihawk wondered aloud. He looked at his sword carefully. Indeed the hilt that made his long sword look like a cross was cut off. So it looked lame. Then his tiny little butter knife, which was supposed to be shaped like a cross, was also changed into something even weirder.

A fingernail clipper.

"What ze fuck? I know what happened! Someone stole my swords and replaced them with this cheap crap from Wal-Mart! Unforgivable!" And Mihawk turned his raft around and went back into the direction he came from.

Meanwhile… 

Al Khan was sitting in his office, reading a piece of paper. It was a surprise that he could read seeing as he both said that US kids don't read and the fact that the script never seemed to be proofread afterwards.

"Damn those people who won't allow religion or even crosses on TV!" Al fumed. "How come they complain about some Bible show and not give any publicity on my cartoons? Because of those bastards, that damn Bible show is making more money then One Piece! Unacceptable!" Khan raged and raged.

"….Sir?" Al Khan's previously mentioned secretary that was soon forgotten appeared out of nowhere.

"Huuuhhh…" Khan sighed "It's like nobody's happy whenever I do anything! They think they could do it better then me? They don't know how hard it is to edit these shows and stay within the TV regulations! If anyone thinks they can do better, tell me!"

About 1 million people raised their hands.

"Fine! You there!" Al Khan pointed at a mentally retarded 5 years old "You can do the editing for the next episode of One Piece!"

A few weeks later, the episode aired, and received a higher rating then all the entire One Piece episodes edited by Al Khan altogether.

"Well I'll be damned."

- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - -

"Hey Strawhat! I think your newest move should be 'Gomu Gomu no Rubber Porcupine!" Krieg called out.

"Dammit! Would you please stop with the lame puns! PLEASE?" Luffy cried out exasperatingly. Luffy had dodged the spikes and was hiding behind a rock. Krieg had been firing spikes and then shouting increasingly lame puns by the second.

"What happens when a rubber boy meets more rubber people and play at a concert? A rubber band! Hehehehehe!" Don Krieg giggled like a little girl. Wait, more like Michael Jackson.

And yes, he was supposed to be one of the most feared people in this sea.

Luffy was about to surrender if it would stop the puns and lame jokes. "PLEASE JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

"Oh am I?" Krieg smiled his most evil smile.

"Then get ready for my last joke…" Don began.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" Luffy screamed and jumped out from behind the rock, rushing at Don Krieg, his tolerance all gone.

"You fool! That muddafucker will pop a cap in your ass!" Sanji screamed. His accent and vocabulary just came out. No reason why…

Krieg smiled and then pulled his trigger. 100 spike looking objects flew out.

"Die Strawhat!!!"

"LUUUUUUUFFFFFFFYYYYYY!!!"

"Oh My God! I can't believe it…" One of Krieg's crew members that was floating in the ocean. It's unknown how he got there.

"Yes, Krieg actually used it…." Another mysteriously floating crew member.

"That Strawhat's gone for good…."

"IF THAT STRAWHAT DOESN'T GET THAT POISONOUS SUCTION DART OFF HIM FAST, HE'S GONE FOR SURE!!!!" Some guy screamed.

"Oh My God!!! I'm hit!" Another guy yelled. A dart looking thing was attached to his arm "IT'S SUCKING ON ME!!!!OH NOOOOOO!!! AAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

The official clown of the Don Krieg pirates came up and said "Dude, just pull the damn thing off."

"Ewwww….it's sticky!" Luffy yelled. His body had been covered with the hundreds of suction cups that Krieg had fired. He started yanking them off.

"No! My weapons are useless! I spent about a week trying to develop that suction cup you know!" Krieg shouted. His was licking a mysterious cherry Popsicle. It's unknown how he got one.

"Wait wait wait…. You spent a week to make suction cup, out of all weapons you could make?" Usopp shouted out.

"Yeah, so what?"

"And you made it in the shape as a dart?"

"Well, I couldn't think of a better design…"

"So instead of making a rubber dart, why didn't you just make it out of metal? It'd be more deadly and be more cool!"

"I didn't even think of that!" Krieg said. Apparently, all the supposedly bad guys in dubbed One Piece were idiots that couldn't even use a real weapon.

Krieg shouted and suddenly pulled on some blanket. It was a fluffy and soft blanket with little cute teddy bears all over it.

"No one can hit me while I'm in my unbeatable shield!" Krieg started sucking his thumb like that guy on Charlie Brown. 10 points to anyone who remembers that guy….

Luffy walked up and started to poke the blanket. Luffy giggled like some immature brat and started poking the blanket repeatedly.

"OW! OW! Stop it! That hurts!" Krieg shouted and curled up into a ball. Luffy continued poking the lump that was Krieg under the blanket. They continued to do this while a certain Gin walked up to Sanji.

"Hey, Mr. Mafia Cook! Weren't you in _The Godfather_?"

"It's you…. Bastard! Let's fight even though I have no reason to fight you and you owe me your life for saving you!" Sanji braced himself.

"Sure why not?" Gin pulled out twin clubs and started fighting.

Sanji ducked a blow from Gin and then kick Gin directly in the stomach. Gin flew up and blood splashed out. Wait! That was ketchup.

Gin suddenly started barraging Sanji with a bunch of attacks from his clubs. Sanji dodged and dodged. However Sanji got hit once.

"Oh dear god! I suddenly feel a rush of emotion now that I hit my savior!" Gin called out. The horrible 4kids acting sounded so dramatic/emotionless.

"Don't worry dude! I'll finish this dude! Ok Dude let's go dude!" A fat ass wearing trash can lids jumped out of nowhere and landed on the ground.

"I'm called Pearl dude! I'm a surfer!"

"….You're too fat to be a surfer." Sanji called out.

"What did you say? I'm not fat! I'm a surfer because I sound like one!" Pearl replied.

"That's not a surfer!" Sanji shouted back.

"I'll kill you!" Pearl screamed and ran at Sanji.

"Why are you wearing trash can lids?" Sanji dodged Pearl's attack and did kick him directly in the balls. Pearl died. Yes, he died that quick. Now back to Gin.

"I can't hit this guy because he gave me food. I was hungry. And he gave me food. So I cannot kill him." Gin said in a voice that seemed like some 14 year old reciting from a book.

"Kill him!" Krieg shouted. He was still being poked by Luffy. "Ow!"

"This restaurant belongs to me! Only me! Not to anyone else!!!!" Krieg shouted again.

"No, this restaurant is that old fart's!" Sanji pointed at Zeff, the head chef of baratie. Zeff the Red Leg, the legendary cook pirate that can cook a meal fit for a king while kicking the shit out of someone at the same time.

"I won't let this restaurant be taken over! Due to my past that will soon be showed in a flashback!" Sanji screamed and pressed a button.

Then the flash back started. Sanji was a small waiter boy working on a crappy boat filled with crappy cooks that crapped crappy craps. Everyone on that boat would always add crap in a sentence. No reason why, the crappy author of this flashback was just really bored.

"Crap, I accidentally cooked this crappy fish! Sanji, come crappily eat this crappy fish that I crappily cooked!"

Sanji was the waiter boy and unofficial "Tester of whether or not this food is poisonous." He was abused and mistreated by all the crappy cooks on the crappy boat because of his crappy dream to find a mysterious sea. All Blue. The legendary crappy sea that had fish from any sea in the crappy world.

One day, Sanji was testing out a steak that had bleach as its sauce when a crappy pirate attacked. His name was Zeff, the crappy legendary cook.

"This crappy ship will be taken over by me even though I already have a kickass ship!" Zeff kicked a crappy cook in the shin and launched him in the stratosphere. Soon, all the crappy cooks of the crappy boat was suddenly flying in the crappy air. The only crewmember of the crappy boat that wasn't flying in the atmosphere was Sanji.

"I can't die here! I need to find All Blue!" Sanji said to the crappy pirates.

"….WAHAHAHAHAHAH, this little crap still believes in All Blue!"

"What a crappy idiot!"

"Captain, take care of this crap!" A pirate called out.

Then a massive storm suddenly appeared and blew the crappy ship into pieces. Soon Sanji was submerged into the crappy sea with the rest of the pirates. Soon, Sanji started crapping his pants and fell unconscious.

When Sanji woke up, he was on a crappy bit of rock shaped like a mushroom. It was crapfully surrounded by the sea. On the other side of this crappy rock, there was the legendary pirate, Zeff.

"IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU LITTLE CRAP! IF YOU HADN'T ATTACKED OUR CRAPPY BOAT, I'D STILL BE SAFE!" Sanji screamed at the crappy pirate. Sanji was pissed like crap.

"Hey, no need to say crap so many times," Zeff said "I saved your life remember?"

"My life? Why?"

"I don't know, I wanted to be some sort of crap hero. And you also believe in All Blue, like I crappily do."

"But what do we do without crap to eat?"

"Don't worry, I have a bag of crap here…." Zeff pulled out a crappy bag filled with crappy crap to eat.

"Food! Hurray!" Sanji ran over and then suddenly, a massive bird came down and ate the food.

"We're doomed! NOOOOOO!" Sanji screamed.

"Hi there. I'm an employee from 4kids that's come to sell you Chopper Dolls!" a crappy employee from the crappy 4kids company popped out.

"………." Sanji paused.

"FOOOOOOOD!!!!" Zeff screamed. Both of them pounced on the 4kids employee.

"Wha? NOOOO!! STOP!!! OH DEAR GOD!!!! HELP ME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! STOP IT!!!" As the crappy 4kids employee was crappily eaten alive.

Sanji tore open the guy's skin and peeled it off. He grabbed the large intestines out and then used some of the guy's skin to wrap it, making some sort of roll. He feasted on this roll while Zeff made a pair of chopsticks using the bones of the arm. Using the chopsticks he made, he began picking out particularly good parts from the corpse, like the eyes. Sanji then proceeded to tear apart the poor guy's arm and cut it apart to make little patties, which was then used to make a hamburger with the fingers as the lettuce/tomatoes and the foot as the bread.

Zeff cut up the liver, lungs, heart and kidney to be used as meatballs. He then tore out the small intestines and using blood as sauce, he put the human meatballs into the spaghetti-like concoction.

Soon nothing was left but the head of the crappy 4kids guys. And due to some crappy anime logic, he was still alive. And yes, being eaten alive like that REALLY HURTS! REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD! It's totally indescribable.

"Sorry about eating you by the way." Sanji apologized.

"Don't worry, that's what 4kids employees are only good for and used for, as food." The guy said through a painful face.

"But I sure am thirsty…" Zeff said. He then came up with an idea and mashed the brain into a jelly-like substance which used the skull as a bowl.

"Eat up boy!" And the two Hannibal Lectors ate into the night laughing and talking like old friends.

- - - - - - -

"And that's my story." Sanji ended his weird flashback that has nothing to do with the dubbed or subbed One Piece or 4kids except for the cannibalism. "Anybody who can count how many times crap was said in the flashback wins a award!"

The whole area was quiet and silent. Everyone froze.

"Dude, you're worse then Hannibal Lector!" Pearl's ghost called out.

"No I'm not!"

"Dude Sanji you are…." Zoro started.

"I'm not kidding!"

"No I meant, YOU'RE A FUCKING CANNIBAL!"

"It was for survival!"

"You ate a freakin' human being! YOU'RE A FREAKING CANNIBAL!"

"If I didn't eat him I was gonna die!" Sanji whined.

"Then how long did it take for you to be rescued after you finished eating him, cannibal?" Usopp asked, hiding himself.

"About 4 minutes 23 seconds. I was on that island for about 5 minutes 29 seconds altogether."

"… so you made the decision to eat someone about 30 seconds after you woke up on a deserted island without waiting for rescue?"

"Yep, pretty much."

"Whoa whoa whoa, does this have anything to do with 4kids bashing or is this just a random subject that someone came up with out of nowhere?" A guy asked. Everyone ignored him.

"Ok, well anyways, Sanji…" Nami spoke to Sanji for the first time since the incident "never serve me any type of meat again."

"Is human meat good?" Luffy called out. He was now tickling Krieg, who giggled like a baby boy.

Once Krieg stopped laughing he stood up and said "Gin, kill this cannibal."

"Sorry boss, but I don't wanna get near him, he'll eat me!"

"NOW!"

"NO!"

Krieg got so pissed off that he suddenly pressed a button and screamed "THEN EAT MY POISON GAS!" A bunch of green gas came out of Krieg (I'm sure you know where) and then everyone in the area nearly died. Gin was poisoned, but the Strawhats weren't due to important details that the author refused to type up.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED YOUR OWN COMRADE! This is a bad morale…." Luffy said a monotonous speech about nakama that would have sounded cool if his voice had any emotion, but sadly, due to 4kids he did not.

Luffy suddenly got the desire to kill Krieg. So he punched Krieg directly in the armor. And due to all the poking Luffy did, the armor broke off. Then Luffy hit Krieg with a Gomu Gomu no Bazooka, and blasted him off.

"Hey that was fast."

- - - - - - - - -

"Where ze fuck am I?" Mihawk asked himself. He was in a mysterious land.

"_Bonjour…_" A polite woman greeted. Mihawk turned around to face her and then realized where he was. And that he was screwed.

He spoke with a French accent but knew no French at all.

"Ah son of a b-"

- - - - -

The Strawhats spent the rest of the night telling Sanji about the whole 4kids issue, which was mostly ignored in this chapter. Of course he didn't understand, since it made no sense at all.

The next day, Sanji went off with the Strawhats. The whole crew of Baratie came out to say good bye.

"See ya" and then they went back inside.

"Those bastards! Oh by the way, where's Gin?" Sanji said.

"I think he died or something. It was sad." Usopp replied before working on something.

"NAMI-SAN!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?" Sanji suddenly noticed that Nami wasn't there. Where did his precious Nami-san go?

Suddenly Johnny and Yosaku, who also had been ignored in this chapter, popped out of nowhere and screamed with tears flowing down their eyes.

"NAMI LEFT THE CREW AND IS GOING TO ARLONG!"

To be continued…..

A/N First, I want to apologize for the month long wait. I don't have as much time as I did in the summer now that school has started. I don't have any time at all to write. Sorry, but updates will come slower then before. Much slower.

Second I want to say that this chapter was impossibly hard to write, due to my lack of time and writer's block. I couldn't think of anything to write for this chapter, which is why it's not focusing on 4kids, but focused on cannibals or something. I just sort of dragged along, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't think of anything. So please forgive me for the weirdness and also rushing through this chapter like 4kids does. I was just so sick of writing about Baratie, that I had to finish it quickly. I have a little bit more material for Arlong, but I seriously can't think of much right now.

Sorry for the long wait and the not so good chapter. I'll try to work doubly hard on the next chapter.

I also don't know why cannibals popped up. It just did.

Oh, and if anyone counts how many times crap or a form of crap appeared in the flashback, I'll congratulate you!

Until next time.


End file.
